Martha Stewart vs. Real Women:

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Eddie C., Jun 4, 2003.

  1. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    MARTHA STEWART VS REAL WOMEN:
    >
    > Martha Stewart Says:
    > If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
    > cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb
    > the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
    >
    > Real Women Say:
    > If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
    > too bad. Please recite with me the "Real Women's"
    > motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care
    > how bad it tastes."
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
    > rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and
    > drink. You might still have the headache, but who
    > cares?
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
    > prevent ice cream drips.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
    > for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch,
    > with your feet up, eating it anyway.
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
    > bag with the potatoes.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the pantry
    > for up to a year.
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
    > use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
    > be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it for you.
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
    > for a glossy finish.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
    > brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do
    > it.
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
    > dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
    > makes opening jars easy.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
    >
    > And finally...the most important tip:
    >
    > Martha Stewart:
    > Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
    > ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
    >
    > Real Women:
    > Leftover wine????????
    >
     
  2. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    Before too long, you can have a similar post entitled,
    "MARTHA STEWART vs. STATE OF NEW YORK
     

  3. Guest

    Martha Stewart's Christmas Letter to Erma Bombeck

    Hi Erma,

    This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

    By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

    Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

    Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

    Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

    Love,
    Martha Stewart

    P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Response from Erma Bombeck:

    Dear Martha,

    I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor ... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

    Love,
    Erma
     
  4. mhambi

    mhambi κολασμένος

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    MARTHA STEWART IS HOT!!
     
  5. Rizzo

    Rizzo Garbage Day!

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    :shocked::puking:
     
  6. jsm11weld

    jsm11weld

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    You don't like thin, attractive blondes? Martha Stewart was and is still a dime piece for her age...

    Your wrong on this one homie...
     

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  7. taffbanjo

    taffbanjo The Limey

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    Martha Stewart is a hugely successful broadcaster and writer. I wonder how long it is since she has had to dirty her hands with mundane domestic chores.....