What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake! What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. 1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours." 5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!" 15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?" 16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."