Male Chauvinist Jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Diablo X, Jan 31, 2003.

  1. Diablo X

    Diablo X Rowdy Member

    Likes Received:
    Nov 28, 2001
    In Front of My Monitor
    Just to even the playing field a little with all the male bashing stuff we all hear in everyday life.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
    closer to the kitchen sink.

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
    the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
    I don't like to interrupt her.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a wedding cake.

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, CA and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some African countries a
    man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  2. shrpshtr


    Likes Received:
    Jan 25, 2001
    Sumter, SC, USA
    i have seen this list modified at least a dozen times and i still can't help but laugh. thanks.

    here are some equal opportunity bashing jokes...

    Equal Opportunity bashing jokes
    >Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    >A: 45 lbs.
    >Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    >A: 45 minutes.
    >Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
    >A: Sexual harassment.
    >Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
    >A: $3.99 a minute.
    >Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
    >A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
    >Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
    >A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
    >Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
    >A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with
    >Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
    >A: Marriage.
    >Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you
    >done wrong?
    >A: Made her chain too long.
    >Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    >A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
    >Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
    >A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
    >Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
    >A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
    >Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
    >A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
    >Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
    >A. They can't stand criticism.
    >Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
    >A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
    >Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
    >A. A padded headboard.
    >Q. How do men sort their laundry?
    >A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
    >Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    >A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
    >Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
    >A. Because men fake foreplay.
    >Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    >A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
    >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The
    >same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
    >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
    >Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
    >A. A golden retriever.

    >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
    >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
    >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
    >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut
    >Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
    >A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
    >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    >A. A battery has a positive side.
    >Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
    >biggest boobs?
    >A. The blonde, because she's 18.
    >***Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
    >A. Because their balls fall over their butt hole and they vapor-lock.
    >Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
    >A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
    >Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
    >A. They keep stepping on the strings.
    >Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
    >A. You can negotiate with the terrorist
    >Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
    >A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
    >Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
    >A. Two mother-in-laws.