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Life

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, May 25, 2004.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Some advice from ol timers about getting life, love and getting older/absent minded



    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

    6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    7. If all is not lost, where is it?

    8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

    10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

    12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

    15 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

    18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

    20. Its not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

    21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.



    "By following this simple advice I have finally found the meaning of life. I was told by a wise old sage the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. At once I looked around to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished.

    So today I have finished a bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Bailey's, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel."



    "Having more money does not ensure happiness. People with 10 million dollars are no happier than people with 9 million dollars" Hobart Brown



    You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

    * I intend to live forever - So far, so good.

    * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

    * Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!



    *Good health is just the slow way to die

    *Never stand between the dog and the Lamp post

    *If you have difficulty sleeping practice more often



    *Patience comes to all who wait long enough



    1. Don't name a pig you plan to eat

    2. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong

    3. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce

    4. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance

    5. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps

    6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked

    7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles

    8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled

    9. Meanness don't happen overnight

    10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses

    11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful

    12. Teachers, bankers, lawyers and hoot owls sleep with one eye open

    13. Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat

    14. Don't corner something meaner than you

    15. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies

    16. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds

    17. It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge

    18. Don't go huntin' with a fella named Chug-A-Lug

    19. You can't unsay a cruel thing

    20. Every path has some puddles

    21. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty

    22. The best sermons are lived, not preached

    23. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens

    24. Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters

    25. FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES, IT MESSES WITH THEIR HEADS



    1. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    3. Its always darkest just before the dawn so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.

    4. Sex is like the air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any

    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you're irreplaceable you can't be promoted.

    6. No one is listening until you fart

    7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet

    9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive try missing a few car payments

    10. Before you criticize someone try walking a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    11. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again it was probably worth it.

    14 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

    15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

    16 Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

    17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half

    18. A closed mouth gathers no foot

    19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together

    20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works

    21. Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

    23. Never miss a good chance to shut up
     
  2. WERA49

    WERA49

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    Okie, how is it possible that someone could find THIS many jokes EVERY DAY? :)

    I suppose that doesn't matter. Please, please keep posting! ;f
     

  3. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Cause I dont have a life^4 ^1 ~1 ~1 ~1
     
  4. seb

    seb

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    Okie, how is it possible that someone could find THIS many jokes EVERY DAY?


    Be nice to Okie, he'll pretend he's sick again and stop sending jokes in..LOL
     
  5. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Thats right man;z ;z ;z ;z ;z ;z