Hearken unto the following: First Epistle to the Recruits According to Pfc. Harold Fleming Lo, all ye miserable sinners, entering through the Gate of MEPS into the Land of the ACU, hearken unto my words; for I have dwelt in this land for many years and mine eyes have witnessed all manner of folly and woe. 2 Verily have I tasted of the bitter fruit of Stop-Loss and drained the dregs of the Cup of FUBAR. 3 Gird up thy loins, my son, and take up the Foliage Green; but act slowly and with exceeding care and hearken first to the counsel of a wiser and sadder man than thou: 4 Beware thou the Sergeant who is called First; he hath a pleased and foolish look, but he concealeth a serpent in his heart. 5 Avoid him when he speaketh low and his lips smileth; he smileth not for thee; his heart rejoiceth at the sight of thy youth and thy ignorance. 6 He will smile and smile and yet work all manner of evil against thee; A wise man shuns the Orderly Room, but a fool shall draw the “Hey, You” Details forever. 7 Unto all things there is a time; there is a time to speak and a time to be silent: be thou like unto a stone in the presence of thy superiors, and keep thy tongue still when they shall call for volunteers. 8 The wise man searcheth out the easy details, but only a fool sticketh out his neck. 9 Look thou with disfavor upon the newly-made Sergeant; He prizeth much his stripes and is proud and foolish; he laugheth and joketh much with the older NCO’s, but looketh upon the Specialist with a frown. 10 He would fain go to OCS, but he is not qualified. 11 Know thou that the NCOIC of the Chow Hall is a man of many moods; when he looketh pleased and his words are like honey, the wise KP seeketh him out and praiseth his chow and laugheth much at his jests: 12 But when he moveth with great haste and sweat standeth upon his brow and he curseth under his breath, make thyself scarce; for he will fall like a whirlwind upon the idle and the dirtbag shall know his wrath. 13 The Supply Sergeant is a lazy man and worketh not, yet he is the keeper of NOD brackets, Benchmade Knives and many good things; if thou wouldst wear well-fitting raiment and avoid the Statement of Charges, make him thy friend. 14 He prizeth drunkenness above all things. 15 He careth not for praise or flattery, but lend him thy lucre and thy liquor and he shall hook thee up. 16 Hell hath no fury like a 2nd Lieutenant scorned; he walketh with a swagger and regardeth the enlisted man with a raised eyebrow; he looketh upon his golden bars with exceeding pleasure and loveth a salute mightily. 17 Act thou lowly unto him and call him Sir and he will love thee. 18 Damned is he who breaketh open the MRE box first and picketh out the Beef Stew and looteth all the Skittles and M&M’s. 19 He taketh from the box with a heavy hand, and leaveth thee the Three Bean and Rice Burrito. 20 He is thrice cursed, and all people, even unto the PV1’s, will revile him and spit upon him: for his name is called Chow Hound, and he is an abomination. 21 Know thou the Smooth Operator, but trust him not: he worketh always upon a deal and he speaketh confidentially. 22 He knoweth all the Haji Mart vendors by name, and goeth into town to score illicit booze. He borroweth all thy money, yea, even unto thy Travel Voucher. 23 He promiseth to hook thee up, but doth it not. 24 Beware thou the Old Man, for he will make thee sweat; when he approacheth, look thou upon the ball, for he loveth to set thy Platoon Sergeants upon thee, like unto a pack of ravenous wolves. 25 Verily I enjoin thee to remember, fecal material doth flow downhill, yea, as a mighty torrent. 26 Keep thou out of his sight and let him not know thee by name: for he who arouses the wrath of the Old Man shall go many times unto the Chaplain. Selah.