Its been 2 years since my family was changed by an act involving a gun...

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by aaronrkelly, Oct 29, 2010.

  1. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    I used to be a big poster here.....noticed this link hasnt been getting any action in my favorites list. Although I cant say it isnt in some part about the above mentioned act....its mostly because of a change in hobbies. I used to be an avid firearm shooter and collector.....now Im an avid motorcycle collector, so most of my time is spent on motorcycle forums. This was "in motion" before. None the less, Im considering a new purchase so I find myself back here.

    ....alas on with the point of the post.

    Its been 2 years and 4 days since my wife of 10 years and the mother of my 2 children used a firearm to end her life. The how and why isnt really important at this point.

    Why Im I sharing this....I guess just to share my thoughts with fellow gun owners.

    See I've always been the "a gun is just a tool" person.....and Ive lived by that motto. Ive heard the "so and so killed someone, guns are so bad" line of talk countless times....Ive answered with the..."no....guns are not inherently good or bad, they are mere tools that are used incorrectly and illegally by some people to do bad things" line of reasoning. Ive had this discussion several times, with several people.....and even heard "you wouldn't feel that way if that was your family member" from some.

    Well granted my wife wasnt murdered.....but that aside do I now feel differently about guns.

    NO....I do not.

    Do I blame Glock for the damage to my family.....no. Do I blame guns in general.....no.

    My firearms where stored correctly. My wife was well versed in gun handling and shot occasionally. She wasnt the best shot but she was VERY proficient in safe gun handling.

    She, as the operator of the gun, choose the action....the gun did nothing on its own. She fully understood the outcome of her actions.

    Do I think she would have used another method if a gun was not around.....no, I dont think so. I think it was "easy" and thats why it was used. Then again who knows, I surely didnt think she would have done it in the first place....so perhaps I dont know much. At any rate....even if my theory is true......I still dont blame the gun for "being there"......nor myself for making it accessible. Sometimes you just can foresee every possible outcome.....some things are unthinkable.

    Almost everyone I work with is very close friends....they were RIGHT there, probably in less than an hour, to help me with all that was going on - which was alot.

    The first thing mentioned by my friends was "are you OK....do you want us to keep your guns for a awhile". The first words out of my mouth were "why?". Im really thankful to have caring friends....but I just couldnt rap my mind around why? Even at that (admittedly the most mentally stressful and emotional) time in my life I still couldnt see a gun any differently then say, a hammer. Alot of people Ive talked to thought that was odd.

    In fact as I set here writing this post, that very firearm, a Glock 26 is in my holster. It was and always has been in my set of firearms that I carry daily, depending on clothes, weather etc. I will admit that I originally thought it would be a problem.....but it just hasnt. I dont feel any differently towards that firearm then any of the others.

    If you've ever just wandered "what happens if"....."how would this work"......"how did you feel when".....or "what did the cops do when" etc - ask, its all open for discussion. If anything is asked thats to personal I will say so....if no ones interested in talking or asking questions, thats fine to. This isnt your average topic and I understand that. Ive had 2 years to come to terms with it....Im comfortable.....you may not be. Perhaps I can cure some curiosity.....or maybe help someone else out.

    Thank you.
     
  2. BryGuy

    BryGuy YUT UGHHHH!

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    My prayers are with you and your family.
     

  3. jdsumner

    jdsumner

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    Sorta got me at a loss for words. Other than I am truly sorry for the grief that act brought to your family. I applaud your being able to not only cope, but perhaps even turn this most terrible situation into a 'learning experience' for some. I hope it is as cathartic for you as it is helpful for others here.
    Thank you,

    dan
     
  4. IndyGunFreak

    IndyGunFreak

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    Terribly sad...

    Thoughts and prayers to you and yours...

    IGF
     
  5. Berto

    Berto woo woo

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    I think we're conditioned to believe every terrible thing that happens in our life..or in society is preventable, or can be warded off somehow- and I don't think that's true.
    Sometimes terrible things just happen, not realistically foreseeable or preventable, they just happen...and you have to deal with what comes.
    What happened in your case is about as terrible as I can imagine, and I've seen pretty terrible stuff.
    I can only say how sorry I am for what you and your family have been through, and wish you continued healing and peace.
     
  6. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    I understand the loss for words.....its expected. I almost didnt post this because I thought it may be "tacky" or "cold"....but I really do think there are some people out there that have questions.....and hopefully I can answer them.

    I took part in a similar post by a lady that was paralyzed in a motorcycle forum.....she wanted to quell everyone's curiosity and perhaps share her views and a bit into how her daily life has changed.....thats kind of my intentions here.
     
  7. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    Hindsight really is 20/20....now its over I can clearly see where the mistakes were made, stuff overlooked etc. You just cannot see into the future......sometimes bad **** happens. The thing Ive discovered is that people that DONT have mental health issues often dont understand those that do. This was my case.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2010
  8. Herb Twoleaf

    Herb Twoleaf qxPfZzhK

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    Jesus Aaron.

    It sounds like your friends were worried about you losing it and ending your own pain, so they had you on "suicide watch" for awhile.

    OK, I'll ask: What was the police demeanor toward you at such a time? Did they treat you respectfully, or as if you'd somehow caused the event?

    Did they impound the gun and did you have to ask for it back? I have one that I suspect was used in a similar scenario and when it came to me it did not appear to have been cleaned...

    Thank you for letting us know. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
     
  9. Toyman

    Toyman

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    I can identify with the hindsight comment, and the fact that sometimes you just don't fully understand some things until you've walked in those shoes, been there, done that.
     
  10. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    The first thing they did was yellow tape the whole area and two deputies started collecting evidence outside (it happened in the driveway).....I went to the hospital right behind the ambulance (although I honestly knew there was no chance of life). At the hospital the Sheriff interviewed me....tons of questions....the usual.....right off they were geared towards "did you kill your wife".....but eased up after a few minutes. After speaking with him I got to chat with the county attorney....all at the hospital, outside in the parking lot. They wasted NO time. After there questioning they showed no indication of their intentions or even easing my mind that I wasnt going to go to jail. I wouldnt say it was disrespectful.....just very COLD.

    Although I guess I didnt expect any different....at the time thinking in the back of your mind that there is a small chance you MAY go to jail isnt exactly comforting.

    I gave no excessive information although I did answer all their questions.

    Then while Im at the hospital the Sheriff brought me a form.....sign here, he says, so we can search your house.

    I respectfully declined......the "posturing" started.....him telling me the usual, you now I can get a warrant.....me telling him I know he can, thats fine Im not going anywere go ahead and get the warrant. I just didnt want someone tossing their way thru my house.

    We finally settled on 1 deputy.....escorted by ME.....into the house to check the house and collect evidence under the direction that I could end the search at any time and they would have to go outside and get a warrant.

    The deputy searched.....took just a few clothing items.....took the clothes I was wearing.....and THE gun. They asked and saw my gun collection but paid it no attention. My collection consists of over 70 firearms including multiple AK47s, AR15s and defensive pistols.

    The gun was kept for approx 2 months....then I showed up at the Sheriff office, filled out some paper work and got it back. They did not clean it.....I didnt expect them to really, but it would have been nice.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2010
  11. captdreifus

    captdreifus aSun666

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    Aaron,

    Thank you for sharing a story that could affect anyone of us as it has to you. I'm glad that you are able to move on in such a short amount of time. It seems as if your mind is clear and focused. May good fortune bless you and your family.

    Is it possible for you to expand on the interview process that occurred with the investigators?

    Best,
    Capt
     
  12. Lone_Wolfe

    Lone_Wolfe CLM

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    First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went through.

    I've been reading and re-reading this thread because my own life was drastically changed by the use of a gun just under 2 years ago, and my reaction has been very different from yours. In your case you have been able to let logic and reasoning win out over emotion and fear. That's not criticism at all, I'm just thinking out loud. I have a lot of respect for your ability to put it all in the perspective you have in spite in the pain you must feel inside.
     
  13. Psychman

    Psychman NRA Patriot Life Member

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    This is by far the most heart wrenching and profound post I have ever read on any forum. Thank you for sharing it. And to your wife......please rest in peace.
     
  14. mace

    mace

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    Aaron,

    I would like to start with my condolences! I am truly sorry for your loss and grieve for you. I think that this is the closest to a reality check I've had for a while. We always seem to think that we are grounded and then we either see something or hear a story that puts us in check.

    I too believe that weapons are tools, created with a purpose and when used as they aren't intended, bad things can happen. I applaud you and your courage it takes a special kind of man to talk about this, but to live it out by typing it, I can't even imagine how that made you feel...

    You are in my prayers brother!
     
  15. Grammy

    Grammy Infidel

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    I don't know you or know what to say but feel the need to say I'm sorry for your loss and pray for you and your children.

    Thank you for sharing your story and I hope its theraputic for you and continues to be enlighting for the rest of us.
    Jim
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2010
  16. jdodd

    jdodd

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    My thoughts and prayers go out to you… It always amazes me how strong some people can be. You stood up when most people would have stayed down, that says a lot about you. Having the composure to answer questions, deny an all out search and work out arrangements for one you were comfortable with…all I can say is “wow”.

    If this is too personal please forgive me, its meant to be no offense.

    Do your kids know you carry? How do they react to firearms?

    Thank you,

    -Justin
     
  17. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    Before I get into the interview I would also like to make a correction. This has been 2 years ago so my mind isnt completely fresh.

    They did take 1 other gun. My carry gun that day was a Kahr CW45. When the cops arrived the Kahr was under the front seat of my car due to me being at a "prohibited" area all day.....when I got back in my car I did not reholster the gun.....so it remained there. When the topic of my carry gun came up I revealed its location and why it was there.....they went to the car and took it as evidence. I got it back at the same time I got the Glock back.

    The questions started out geared towards what my wife was doing that day, whom she talked to, if we were having relationship problems......then on to was she right or left handed, did she know how to operate a gun, did she shoot often, has she ever purchased a gun or went to a gun show.....then to the flat out, did you kill your wife......what reason would you have to kill your wife.

    I would also like to give the Sheriffs office some credit for not being outright thugs.....despite the line of questioning, which Im reasonably sure is standard procedure. My state did not have state wide carry permits at this time.....each and every county issued permits based on how their sheriff saw fit. This ranged from many counties refusing to issue permits.......to a few that issued them by merely writing "for self defense" down on the form. My sheriff was one of the few that would hand a permit out for merely wanting one for "self defense". At no time during this procedure was my permit revoked.......nor was it even brought up. He could have taken it because he wanted to.....no reason necessary. He didnt....

    Yes, the next day after waking up I grabbed another of my pistols and continued to carry a gun..
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2010
  18. Mungrol

    Mungrol Wanabe Like RTN

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    Aaron,

    Thank you for sharing with us. It takes a real man to be able to discuss private matters with strangers and friends. I personally concur with your point of view as far as a weapon being a tool. I have had several occurances where people I have known and a few I have been close with took their lives. It is a sad thing since it is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    What I have learned though is that when a person has their mind made up they will go through with it. Those that threaten are crying out for help. Those that know what they are going to do... do not necessarily give any signs.

    I can't imagine the pain you have gone through to lose a loved partner like that. I am glad that you seem to be handling it quite well. I can fully understand how something like this could haunt you for a very long time. Reading your post I notice that you have two children. From reading your post I think that you have been an amazing example and super solid foundation for them to lean on. Thank you.

    My prayers go out to you, your family and your wifes family.
     
  19. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    My kids have always known I carry. Since my kids were 1 year old we had started buying them firearms, under the belief they may not get the chance to buy them for themselves. When they are old enough they each have an AK47, a .22lr Cricket and a few C&R items, including a M44 Nagant and 1895 Nagant waiting for them.

    They have been drilled and tested on Eddy Eagle.....they have been shooting on a few occasions.

    They are not scared or curious about firearms. Any time any one of my kids wants to "see" a firearm I taken them into a room.....show them its safe and let them see/handle the firearm and we go over the rules. I believe removing the curiosity is the most important thing......I want my kids to see guns as merely objects and tools......not as something taboo.

    Fortunately they didnt actually SEE the shooting....but they saw there mother rush outside with a gun and my son heard and recognized the gun shot.

    The first call was to 911.....the second to my grandparents, they live a block away.

    They came within SECONDS......pulled up in the backyard.....lead the kids out the back and took them to their house. They saw nothing.....hopefully what they did hear or know they forget. My daughter was 2 1/2......my son 6 1/2.
     
  20. aaronrkelly

    aaronrkelly

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    Everyone deals with stuff differently......unfortunately my reasoning and logic sometimes makes me appear cold and indifferent.....its a not so pleasant side effect. Im not sure there is a "right" way....

    Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk.....dont feel obligated, I understand if you dont.