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> IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
> in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
> entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
> heard or reported:
>
> On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just
> sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard
> time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People,
> people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
> get in it!"
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
> crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
> This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
> your flight attendants."
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
> make sure it's something we'd like to have."
>
> There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
> ways out of this airplane"
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
> enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
> you for a ride."
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
> Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
> fella. WHOA!"
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
> because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
> shifted."
>
> >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
> Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
> insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
> just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
> operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised."
>
> "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
> descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
> pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
> you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
> traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
> clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
> Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
> more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
> event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
> and take them with our compliments."
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
> among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
> spouses."
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
> Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
> in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
> flight!"
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
> Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
> and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
> thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
> wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
> was the asphalt."
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
> Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
> final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After
> an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
> and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
> seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
> what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
> landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
> Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
> hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
> had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
> door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
> "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his
> bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you
> a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
> The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
> > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant
> came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
> seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
> to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
> has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
> door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
> terminal."
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
> to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
> you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
> pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
> Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,
> if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is out
> on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
> reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
> announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this
> is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
> nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
> is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
> uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
> Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
> back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
> so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the
> flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
> Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
> mine!"
 
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