First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-a-mer, or Ball-tee-more depending on if you live North or South of Route 40. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If near Howard County and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. On Monday, you don't wash your clothes, you Warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you Warsh them. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules . . . "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that. All directions start with, "The Beltway" . . . which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all five of the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.(However if you don't go as soon as it turns green, then you get the horn) Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called "an Interstate," but runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?) All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in GLIM BURNIE!" If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period. All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must have know how to speak Korean. If in Randallstown, Ebonics will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions in Brooklyn, . . ... well, don't. A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR. If it's 10 degrees, It's Oriole's opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's opening day at Ravens Stadium. If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+, it's May/June/July/August/September. If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park "Ravens Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. It's probably not his yard anyway. Have a GREAT DAY!