"If Santa answered his mail honestly..." Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year,and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ***** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ***** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ***** Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging sh*$ may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ***** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're getting your butt kicked at school. Second you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through YOUR bedroom window...... Sweet Dreams, he he he, Santa.........
