If Noah tried it today...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Enoch, Aug 27, 2003.

  1. Enoch


    Likes Received:
    Aug 16, 2003
    If Noah Lived In The U.S.A

    If Noah lived in the United States today and the Lord
    spoke to Noah and said "In one year, I am going to
    make it rain and cover the whole earth with water
    until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
    righteous people and two of every kind of living thing
    on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build
    an ark."

    In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
    specifications for an ark. In fear and trembling,
    Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.

    "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the ark
    and bring everything aboard in one year."

    Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
    the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
    tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard
    weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the ark?"

    "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
    but there were big problems. First, I had to get a
    permit for construction and your plans did not comply
    with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
    redraw the plans.

    "Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
    the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
    devices. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was
    violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
    front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
    planning commission.

    "I had problems getting enough wood for the ark
    because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
    the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
    Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

    However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
    catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a
    union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
    settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have
    carpenters on the ark, but still no ..

    "When I started rounding up the other animals, I got
    sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
    only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got
    the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
    not complete the ark without filing an environmental
    impact statement on your proposed flood.

    "They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
    had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of
    the universe. "Then the Army Corps of Engineers
    demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent
    them a globe.

    "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
    with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that
    I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
    unbelieving people aboard!

    "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
    building the ark in preparation to flee the country to
    avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the
    state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
    to register the ark as a "recreational water craft."

    "Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an
    injunction against further construction of the ark,
    saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
    religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.

    I really don't think I can finish the ark for another
    5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. .

    The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
    seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
    Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going
    to destroy the earth, Lord?"

    "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The
    government already has."



    Likes Received:
    Jun 28, 2002
    Tacoma, Washington
    Um, well, while that was funny and clever it would seem the government actually SAVED the world from the wrath of God.

    (Hehe....don't get me wrong....I get the point of the joke and loathe big government but technically......)

  3. Cowgunner


    Likes Received:
    Dec 18, 2001

    you called that "saved"? ;g