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If Computer OS'es were Airlines

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Canuke, Jan 15, 2003.

  1. Canuke

    Canuke Resident Alien

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    Oct 21, 2001
    Las Vegas, NV
    Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

    DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

    DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

    Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up and watch the in-flight movie.

    Mac OS/X: Where they actually fly you on BSDAir, but you find that you paid for your ticket and everyone else is flying for free...

    OS/2: To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plan should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip. Amazingly, the guy next to you can crash without interrupting your flight at all... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

    Windows 9x: The airport is a clean, colorful place, and the flight attendants are friendly and accomodating. The baggage check and boarding process is user-friendly, and the plane is luxuriously appointed, with all the amenities. The takeoff is uneventful, and the flight smooth... until the plane reaches 30,000 feet and crashes without warning.

    NT/2000: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the tickets cost more, and use bigger planes. The process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard. Finally, when it crashes it takes out all other aircraft for 40 miles.

    Windows XP: The plane is a sleek, hypersonic affair using the new patented MS .AIR as a support system. After some delay while the runway is extended and repaved to accomodate the new plane's immense weight, the plane takes off... and about 5 minutes into the flight, the alarms start going. WARNING PASSENGER C27 HAS SHIFTED HIS WEIGHT FROM THE LEFT ARSE CHEEK TO THE RIGHT AND MUST PURCHASE A NEW TICKET. The flight attendants then eject him at 25000 feet. After that people sit very still but in half an hour they are told that the plane has been upgraded to "leg 2" and anyone not purchasing a leg 2 ticket is shoved out the "raw hatch".

    Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane and a box of tools to the airport. Then they go on the runway, where there is a chalk outline of a plane, and try to piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building. Eventually, they split up into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name.

    Beowulf: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

    Linux: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat- howto.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

    Palm OS Air: You are astonished at the number of passengers who can sit comfortably in the tiny and elegant airframe. You are also astonished, though less pleasantly, when your itinerary reveals 14 stopovers on your way across country . . . for refueling.
  2. Canuke

    Canuke Resident Alien

    Likes Received:
    Oct 21, 2001
    Las Vegas, NV
    If Operating Systems Were Beers... (a bit dated)

    DOS Beer:
    Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

    Mac Beer:
    At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

    Windows 3.1 Beer:
    The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

    OS/2 Beer:
    Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

    Windows 95 Beer:
    A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

    Windows NT Beer:
    Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

    Unix Beer:
    This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.

    AmigaDOS Beer:
    The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the originalmanufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

    VMS Beer:
    Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

  3. Canuke

    Canuke Resident Alien

    Likes Received:
    Oct 21, 2001
    Las Vegas, NV
    If Operating Systems were Chickens

    OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

    Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like chicken.

    Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

    OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

    Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

    C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

    C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

    VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

    Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

    Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

    Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

    Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

    Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket !

    Cray/SGI Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

    Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

    Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

    Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

    COBOL Chicken:

    BeOS Chicken: Multiple chickens can cross faster than a single chicken can from another coop. (Except the Cray/SGI chicken, of course;-)...)

    Copland Chicken: Keeps trying to cross the road, but continues to run back to the original side. Maybe it will cross sometime next year...
  4. David_G17

    David_G17 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

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    Oct 7, 2002
    you left out windows ME, i'm sure lots of fun could be had with that one ;)
  5. mzenzer

    mzenzer Argus-eyed

    Likes Received:
    Feb 14, 2002
    Yes one could, couldn't they?!

    Windows ME Airline OS - New plane released to appease those fearing the crashing of all planes come Y2K. Result - see win9x then add crash during pre-flight check, takeoff, mid-flight, and landing.

    Windows ME Beer - See Windows 95 Beer then add bad hops.

    Windows ME Chicken - See Windows 95 chicken then add salmonella.

    Windows ME Code - You want go me where? To how I do there get? ;h