Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by MW2001, Nov 20, 2003.

  1. MW2001


    Likes Received:
    May 20, 2001
    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
    died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
    the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
    and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
    bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
    children" --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
    There's a support group for that. It's called
    EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

    4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
    find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
    --Rod Stewart

    5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
    it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
    into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
    night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff

    6) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
    Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

    7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
    ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
    save the infant's life without even considering if
    there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

    8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
    went down on him?" --Marilyn Pittman

    9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
    and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
    leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
    pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob

    10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
    took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
    said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
    swim." --Paula Poundstone

    11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
    have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
    to the authors of ! that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

    12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
    I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
    my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

    13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
    of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
    crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

    14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
    the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

    15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul

    16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
    they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

    17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
    in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
    single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
    logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

    19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you
    were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat
    myself." --Mark Twain

    20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
    school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"
    --A . Whitney Brown

    21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning
    to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    --Robin Williams

    22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
    think of it as the only time of the month that I can
    be myself." --Roseanne

    23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
    place." --Billy Crystal

    24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
    dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
    right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
  2. KY_Glock

    KY_Glock Member

    Likes Received:
    Apr 9, 2003
    Maysville, Kentucky
    LOL -- very good