1)Pick up the cat and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2)Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3)Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4)Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding the rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5)Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6)Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7)Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8)Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil blow down drinking straw. 9)Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10)Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11)Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch a new one from bedroom. 12)Call the fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13)Tie the little bastard's front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14)Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15Print up posters advertising "Free Mutant cat from hell! Hours of fun!" Ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill: Wrap it in bacon.