Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Name your dog "Mountain-pen-*****willow-finklestein". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.