How to bathe a cat

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Nov 11, 2002.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Please forward to cat lovers everywhere
    who, like myself, are very concerned
    about their hygiene.

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo
    to the toilet water, and have both
    lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while
    you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat
    in the toilet and close both lids
    (you may need to stand on the lid so
    that he cannot escape).
    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your
    body too close to the edge, as his paws
    will be reaching out for any purchase
    they can find.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
    This provides a "powerwash and rinse"
    which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside
    and ensure that there are no people
    between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you
    can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of
    the toilet, and run outside where he
    will dry himself.
     
  2. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

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    I thought it was:

    A) Shoot cat.
    B) Wash cat.

    Your method is much funnier though. LOL!!!
     

  3. blue-tonic

    blue-tonic Thats My Bush!

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    Reminds me of the time my cat jumped in the can right when my dad was about to take a piss. She couldn't get out so my dad had to help her. ;i

    NO I was not in the room with him! That answers everyones sick questions.
     
  4. cdmoran

    cdmoran

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    The method I've always used involves duct tape and a car wash. ;N
     
  5. matt3310

    matt3310 who me???

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    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo
    to the toilet water, and have both
    lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while
    you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat
    in the toilet and close both lids
    (you may need to stand on the lid so
    that he cannot escape).
    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your
    body too close to the edge, as his paws
    will be reaching out for any purchase
    they can find.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
    This provides a "powerwash and rinse"
    which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside
    and ensure that there are no people
    between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you
    can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of
    the toilet, and run outside where he
    will dry himself.





    i tried that with my cat, and it works great!!!!!!;f
     
  6. potshot

    potshot

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    8a. If you put a plugged-in hair dryer in the toilet he could get a head start on drying off.;f ;f ;a ;C
     
  7. Guest

    I always used the "tie cat to rock, throw in river/lake" method.
    Works pretty good... :)
     
  8. CranialCrusader

    CranialCrusader

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    You forgot to add the best part!

    <b>Cat will self-agitate</b>



    CranialCrusader
     
  9. Canuke

    Canuke Resident Alien

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    Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
    by Bud Herron

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.
    I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

    Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

    Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

    Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

    Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. California State University, Long Beach, Library
     
  10. roygun

    roygun

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    Think this guy would take a cleaning?
     
  11. mhambi

    mhambi κολασμένος

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    I taught my cat to shower himself.
     
  12. Guest

    i spray my cat with breakfree clp then rinse with mobile-1.

    bruce
     
  13. Guest

    preturbed puddy...
     
  14. dammy

    dammy wed to REDNECK!

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    coincidentally this also works for ferrets and small children!!!;f
     
  15. Alpha752

    Alpha752

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    Canuke: I havnt laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks.
     
  16. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    Hey, I like cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (they taste like CHICKEN!)

    ;N