Holiday Eating Tips

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Dandapani, Dec 22, 2004.

  1. Dandapani


    Likes Received:
    Mar 24, 2004
    Gulf side Florida
    Holiday Eating Tips

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
    table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
    carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
    single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-
    malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So
    drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
    not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
    It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
    you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
    gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
    of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
    or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
    sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
    your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
    other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
    Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
    This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
    buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
    frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
    yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
    becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
    shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
    if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
    have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
    mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
    have some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
    or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
    tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    Remember this motto to live by:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
    to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
    body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what
    a ride!"

    Have an amazing day!
  2. 10hasteeth


    Likes Received:
    May 29, 2004
    houston, tx
    BUUUURP! Excuse me!
    Merry Christmas, and a GREAT 2005 TO ALL!

  3. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

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    Jan 31, 1999
    I ran 3.5 miles today. Looks like I broke rule number 6.