(Maybe I could suggest some of these to Martha and she could use them on her show!) Helpful Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Helpful Hint #2 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Helpful Hint #3 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Helpful Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Helpful Hint #5 An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator. Helpful Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink. Helpful Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Helpful Hint #8 A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.