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Haynes Manual Translations

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by kfoley, Jan 11, 2005.

  1. kfoley

    kfoley Break glass

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    Haynes Manual Translations

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
    with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
    with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
    with a hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through
    before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos
    of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy
    size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch
    some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and
    maybe a plaster or two).

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the
    veins on your
    forehead are throbbing then clamp with visegrips then
    beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We
    warned you...

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you
    manage to **** it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this
    because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you
    also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo
    underground (in fact that would have been more use to
    you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a
    couple of days.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are
    you?

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones
    in it again.

    Haynes: Bolt will be tight
    Translation: You havent a hope in hell!

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special
    tool like this...
    Translation:
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and
    down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find
    some visegrips and a hammer...

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you
    know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud
    knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's
    going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob
    of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of
    someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the
    spark plugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards
    will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your
    stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel
    deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different
    places.


    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
    with hammer.

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't
    bother.
    Alternatively, clamp with visegrips then beat
    repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book,
    except what you need to do

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: AAA Card & Cell Phone
     
  2. Wmarden

    Wmarden

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    I gotta give you an amen brother to that one.
     

  3. kfoley

    kfoley Break glass

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    Yeah, first time I read that I said "that is so true..."

    Glad you enjoyed it...
     
  4. coastalcop

    coastalcop

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    "requires extensive mechanical knowledge" :...... Unless you work as a rocket scientist for NASA DO NOT ATTEMPT !!!

    Of course using these things for imports MG and FIAT I wish they would just be honest.


    For MG
    If it says "Lucas" on it, REPLACE with anything else !

    For Fiat
    "This bolt torqued on by Rocky Balboa , dont flatter yourself by thinking you have a chance to get it off. " oh and by the way , we are only gonna give you 10 degrees of turning room and the bolt is as long as the car.
     
  5. General Sherman

    General Sherman

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    And for English sports cars, if it is made of rubber it has rotted, so replace it.

    "Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch
    some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and
    maybe a plaster or two)." ---SO TRUE