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Giving Medicine to Pets

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by DesertEagle, Jul 6, 2004.

  1. DesertEagle

    DesertEagle OH HELL MY HEAD CLM

    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    3
    Joined:
    May 31, 2001
    Location:
    Rome Ga
    To Feed Pills to Cats and Dogs
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    CATS:
    -----

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
    arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
    and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
    apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
    hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
    cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill
    away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
    arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
    jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
    forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
    of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees
    Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
    cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand
    while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
    ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
    from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
    curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
    from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on
    cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
    in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
    and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
    humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply
    band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove
    blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
    pill Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
    close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
    with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
    door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
    scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to
    cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
    Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
    back another shot Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
    one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat
    from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
    crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
    last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
    bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find
    heavy-duty pruning loves from shed. Push pill into
    mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be
    rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
    of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive
    you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
    stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
    from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to
    pick out new table.

    15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat.
    Call local pet shop to see if they have hamsters.




    DOGS:
    -----

    1. Wrap pill in bacon.