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Funny Chilli Joke!!!

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by matt3310, Nov 16, 2002.

  1. matt3310

    matt3310 who me???

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    i tried to edit it as much as possible, hope you like it!!!

    This one gets better as you read on....

    Subject: Fw: Chili Cook-Off


    Please read this bit of comic relief----it's a hoot Some of you
    no names mentioned can definitely take your chili----the word chile
    can also be substituted with "Salsa". Am I not telling the whole
    truth?





    CHILI COOK-OFFS
    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
    attention
    to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
    better.
    For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this
    is!
    They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.


    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to
    be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
    person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
    there at the judge's table asking directions[Al S.] to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges,(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
    could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy sh1t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
    out.I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
    what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when hey saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
    beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
    peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
    now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
    now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from all the beer.
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
    for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b1tch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    _______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
    ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics.
    The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks!
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
    balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
    and garlic. Superb.


    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried
    it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
    ___________________________________________________
    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
    am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
    I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
    the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    sh1t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
    what
    killed me.
    I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
    I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    through the 4-inch hole in my stomach;f
     
  2. MarksGlock22

    MarksGlock22 The Punisher

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  3. deputydawg558

    deputydawg558

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    Seen it before but it still brings tears to my eyes as I laugh at judge #3 [​IMG]
     
  4. russelldehart

    russelldehart El Tamalon

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    I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
     
  5. matt3310

    matt3310 who me???

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    this is so good it needs a ;d ;d
     
  6. StoneGiant

    StoneGiant

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    ROTFLMAO!

    Haven't seen this in a long time. Having lived 18 years in Texas, I can almost swear that it's a true story.

    ;f ;z ;f
     
  7. skorpio

    skorpio Arsenal? Me?

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    As a native Texan, and wise enough to have never left for any extended period of time, I can attest to the pretty much factual content of the aforementioned text.;a

    BTW I was there and judge #3 was wearing a Yankees hat...;P
     
  8. StoneGiant

    StoneGiant

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    ;f

    Good... then he got what he deserved. GO RED SOX!
     
  9. matt3310

    matt3310 who me???

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  10. Bullseye007

    Bullseye007 7.62x51

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    ;z ;z ;z ;z ;z