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Funniest thing your kid ever said when they were little...

  1. About 25 years ago, my wife and I were taking our 5 yr old son and 2 of his friends to a birthday party. As we're driving along, one of the friends (a boy) proudly announces "I take karate". The other friend (a girl) shouts out "I take ballet". My son, not wanting to be outdone, says "I take vitamin C". I wasn't sure what I had there for a minute, but he turned out alright.
    Let's hear some of yours.
  2. Not sure... my mind turned to mush from listening to my 4 girls until the last one was married off....
  3. At the oldest sons (he was 11) basketball game and it was before the game. Youngest son (8 years old) was watching the pre-game happenings. 8 year never uttered a foul word that we had ever heard. All of the sudden out of the blue we hear “WHAT THE F***!”

    The wife and and I turn in shock. Youngest points to the basketball court and exclaims “look a boy is cheerleader!”
  4. While on a road trip we walked into a Waffle House where my 4yo son promptly pointed at a 300lb patron and said, "Hey dad, look at that fat guy!" Thankfully, the guy took it well. He came over and said, "it's okay, I am fat!"

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  5. A text from Mrs. Hooch...

    Hooch Jr. just came downstairs and said “Mom it’s so weird! One second my weewee is soft and squishy and the next it’s so hard.”
  6. My wife’s friends have weird thing for give dildos for gifts and when my son was very young, maybe 2, he found it and brought it to my wife and asked “mommy why are daddy’s tools in your bag?”

    Dildos and scented candles, anyone need some?
  7. Had my just 4 year old son in the restroom at local coffee shop. Door to restroom is in wall where everyone is lined up outside to order at counter. He does his business. I then am doing mine and suddenly he is staring at me and blurts out "Oh my gosh, it looks like an elephant's trunk!"

    Everyone in line heard that.
  8. Buy anything you want son. Anything you want.
  9. I used to be a pretty impatient driver. One day; my wife, and (then) five year old daughter and I were going somewhere. We got behind a slow moving vehicle and my daughter pipes up from the backseat with "What's he doing up there...PLAYING with himself?"
  10. LOL I'm also impatient. I was in line behind a guy who wouldn't move when the light turned green. I honked and muttered "WTF is he waiting on" to myself.
    My five year old grandson quietly, from the back seat "Grandpa, I'm back here".
  11. At about 4 years old, my son told his daycare provider, "I woke up today and I was God."

    He talked for another 30 minutes about what he had already done as God and what he was going to do the rest of the day...
  12. Who the heck designed that place. My cousin turned the living room closet into a powder room. Another used the closet next to the kitchen table. No thanks.

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  13. Two things:
    1) We got my son DVDs for a British cartoon called Kipper. I knew he had been indoctrinated when he wanted a potato chip and called it a 'crisp.' Later he wanted to try something I was doing and asked, "Can I have go?" Both times, we needed to think about what he meant (since it was sort of in a foreign language).
    2) Another time I was explaining how things were done "in the olden days." My son asked me, "How do we do it in the new-en days?"
  14. Two teenage sons in the mall. Oldest says he going to restroom. Youngest waits and then goes in. He sees his brothers flip flops under the stall while he is doing his business. Then goes to the urinal right next to the stall. Whips over and pees on foot at the edge of the stall.

    Oldest in stall starting screaming-Hey, Hey...By this time the youngest cant take it anymore and bust out laughing. He runs out. Meanwhile the oldest jerks his pants back up and runs out right behind him hollering I am going to kick your ass.

    Still laughing years later.

  15. View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-xc6_GhkZg
  16. Got any butt plugs?
  17. Walking through the Christmas section at Target, 2 year old daughter riding in the cart. Sees something she can't make sense of, says in a voice loud enough for many other shoppers to hear, "What the hell!?!?" (learned that one from her mother)

    Her older brother at about 8 years old watched the movie Pearl Harbor with us one night, and liked it so much he asked "Do you think they'll ever make Pearl Harbor 2?"
  18. Funny now, scary then. My oldest child was in preschool and I had two younger daughters. The three year old climbs on the couch to hug and kiss me goodnight. My son says, "dad's having sex on the couch with my sister.". First I laughed......then I thought what might happen if he tells the preschool teacher that his dad has sex with his sister. Thankfully he didn't
  19. Large variety store, heading toward the packed registers, my son probably five, hollers real loud across the store to my wife, “I gotta poop.” Nearly everyone in the store heard him. Guy in line looks at me and says “when ya gotta go, ya gotta go”.
  20. When my oldest was like 3 or 4, he's 28 now, he and the wife and I were in the femminen product isle in Wal Mart. I think maybe it was masengil ? that had the girl with the long dark hair and complexion on it, he say "look mommy there's Pocahontis" . I just kept walkin on by
  21. On a late night trip home from a long day at Six Flags, we thought our kids were asleep in the back seat as it was dark. Our 5 year old daughter wakes up and exclaims in a loud voice, " momma, why is your head jumping up and down?"
  22. My son was about 4 and was spinning around the living room with his arms out, making himself dizzy. He looked at me and told me to come and ride the carpet with him.
  23. More than just talk.

    We were at Luby's one night - there were a few people in line ahead of us -

    One older guy - I will guess 60 years old, about 75 pounds over weight - and he had on some type of stretch pants - was directly in front of us -

    He drops his car keys on the floor and when he bent over to pick them up - it really put a strain on his stretch pants - my 4 year old son jammed his finger right in the guy's butt crack and then yells out - I GOT YOU!

    The old guy just about jumped out of his pants - I said I was sorry - he was sort of mad but said he had grand-kids that were jokers so he understood.
  24. You win. :rofl:
  25. I gave my son his first buzz cut with the clippers when he was about 4. He looked in the mirror and said "I don't like it, change it back!".
  26. You better let me have another cookie or I'm going to go to the dark side. My oldest son to my wife, under 5.
  27. I've driven roads like that.
  28. The kiddos are asleep... my wife, not so much now. I woke her up laughing at these tales. Oh well.
  29. That right there is a good woman. Many should learn to follow her example
  30. I used to think I was an impatient driver until the day my daughter got sick of my driving and jumped up and took over

  31. A buddy of mine was in a public restroom once, and some other dad brought his young daughter into a crapper stall to keep her safe.

    My buddy hears this little girl say, "Wow, daddy. You're BIG."

    Then the dad's reply:

    "Thanks, sweetie."
  32. My oldest boy had some exciting news to announce at my college graduation, in front of a few dozen fellow graduates:

    "Dad! I pooped in the potty!"

    That was a good day.
  33. My daughter was 4 or so and had reached the age where she wanted to race against people at everything and loved winning said races. One day, leaving the DMV after renewing my license, she said "let's race to the car." I said "OK" and started running immediately without giving her a chance to count down or anything, giving myself a healthy head start. That apparently destroyed her hopes and dreams because she started crying and then screamed "DON'T BEAT ME, PAPA!"

    I felt all the cold gazes on me. Everyone was staring at the evil man who beats his daughter in public, including a police officer. I had to fix this, fast.

    I stopped and let her run past me as I said "It's OK, you can beat me to the car. You can win the race!" in a fairly loud voice so everyone could hear me. I got her in the car seat and buckled her up as fast as I could, then jumped in and didn't hesitate in leaving the parking lot. Crisis averted...
  34. My wife and I went out to dinner and my daughter was watching her two younger brothers. We came home to find blood all over the kitchen, the first aid kit all over the floor and my youngest son with a mass of gauze, bandaids and tape on his chin.

    He was standing between his sister and older brother when we asked him what happened. He started to speak when the other two, in PERFECT unison, slapped their hands over his mouth and said “He fell”.

    We later found out they were playing tag in the house and he split his chin on the edge of the piano.
  35. On a road trip - we pull into the hotel where we had reservations - a sign announced

    "FREE WIFI" it was so long ago that was something special!

    My daughter - maybe 10 asks - what is a whiff - eye?

    So now 20 something years later when we see a similar sign we still say - look they have whiff - eye!
  36. These are great! Keep them coming, Ya'll!!
  37. That’s not a dog, it’s a poodle...

    What’s your doggies name???
    Burly *****!
  38. Three year old granddaughter sitting in bank mangers office with my daughter. Manager has a strong Iranian accent.

    Granddaughter: Why do you talk funny like that?

    Appalled Daughter: M, don't say things like that.

    Bank Manger: Crickets........

    Daughter in car on the way home: M, some people came from other countries and have an accent. You can hurt their feelings if you ask them about it.

    M: Well, she hurt my feelings talking like that.
  39. Uncircumcised heathen alert... Lol

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  40. Our kids were in daycare from a young age and whenever any of the kids would say something off color, for example, the word "dumb" or whatever, the teachers would respond, "We don't say dumb." One day after an ice storm and the power being out for 4 days, I was at home in the kitchen talking on the cordless phone with my mother, while my son, 3 at the time, played in the living room. Unexpectedly, the power went out, killing the base station and phone. Having been through heck the past 4 days, I yelled "mother******". From the darkness of the living room, a tiny voice, clear as a bell responded, "We don't say mother******."

    As they got older, they have had this annoying habit of reading the DirecTV guide as you scroll through it. One day my son saw the listing for "Pitbulls and Parolees". Just being curious, I asked him do you know what a parolee is. He replied, "Another type of dog?" After which I explained to him that the show was not about 2 breeds of dogs (technically).
  41. first birthday party for my son, and he's at the head of the table in his high chair, grandmas and grandpas there, aunts and uncles...and he starts yelling (while pointing his finger off to the side)...

    F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!

    Then I see he's pointing at his toy TRUCK. So I chime in...No! Truck! Truck! Truck!
  42. Father / daughter vacation when she was 8. Drove to Niagara Falls. Such anticipation, she even put her beenie babies on the dash to enjoy the trip.
    We finally get there, staring at this majestic sight. I wonder what's going through her mind.
    Thirty seconds of dead silence and then she says
    "OK, let's go to the mall."
  43. I'm Asian born overseas and naturalized, wife Caucasian born here. Our kids growing up were never aware there was a racial difference between their parents, or even considered how that affected their own race.

    Then they got to first grade and started to learn about our country and what Americans are. "Dad wasn't born here, so he wasn't American, but now he is." "We thought he was Chinese?" "Yes, he's Chinese, but he's now an American too." "Are you Chinese mommy?" "No, I'm just American." "Daddy doesn't look like you, and he's American?" "I'm Caucasian, and American. Look, I'm just like most other regular people around. Don't worry about it, you'll understand one day."

    Next time we're picking them up at a little kids party, they see me and tell all other kids "See? That's my mommy and daddy, and that's how I'm half Chinese, half regular!"

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  44. I took my son to a French and Indian War reenactment when he was maybe 3. He had to pee, and I took him into a porta-potty and stood him up on the rim. He looked down and started saying, in as aloud a voice as he could, "look, Daddy, they didn't flush, that's degusting". He went on about it for a good hour as we went through the event. In fact, he wouldn't shut up about it.
  45. I was in Walmart with my 3 year old daughter when she started to throw a tantrum. She flung herself on the ground and refused to get up, so I picked her up and slung her over my shoulder when she began to scream “HELP MEE!!!! HELP ME!!!!

    I fully expected to be met by da po-po on my way out for abduction.
  46. Another one:

    We watch what we say, following as best as we can the biblical mandate to not cuss. We even avoid many words with which most households wouldn't see a problem.

    One day daughter no. 2 is telling me about her day in school in second grade, and she says "And Johnny made Mrs. Jones SO MAD she even used a bad word!"

    "Really? What word was that?"

    "The S-WORD!" with her eyes bugged out, horrified at the thought.

    I couldn't believe the teacher would ever say that in front of the second graders, and was already thinking about what I was going to write in my email to said teacher. I recomposed myself, and carefully asked her "I don't want to make you repeat a bad word, but I need to know what exactly your teacher said before I let her know how upset I am. What did she say?"

    Daughter looked around as if to make sure no one else would hear her, and whispered to in my ear:


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  47. Feeding some baby food to my oldest when he was just starting to talk; and suddenly he spits it out and says “CACA!”
    My wife gives me the stink eye, and I point out that he used the word correctly!
  48. 2 year old son cruises into the bedroom one night, I stop what I'm doing and get up in the dark to shuffle him out. He says "YOU GOT YOUR BODY OUT?"

    Cousin, about 4, headed to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. When they get there he asks "where are the rabbits". He thought they had been saying See The Rabbits instead of Cedar Rapids.
  49. We're at a busy public ice rink with a mom and dad and their two young sons, ages six and five. Standing on the ice dad finishes adjusting the laces on the oldest son's skates, and tells him to hold still while he adjusts laces on the younger son's skates. Oldest son looses balance and dad grabs his arm as he falls. Arm get broken and it's off to the ER.

    In the ER, older son is crying and then bellows out "why did daddy have to break my arm?" Oh boy. Sir, please step outside of the curtain, we need to talk to you. Ma'am, please come over here. It got cleared up quickly, but you just never know when or what kind of situation will land in your lap.