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Fun With Telemarketers

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Oct 27, 2002.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    In the past year, telemarketers have become a bigger nuisance in my life
    than ever before. At first I would just hang up on them. The calls kept
    coming. Then I started to ask to be taken off their calling lists. The
    calls kept coming. I got angrier and angrier but...The calls kept coming.

    I realized, hey, why not toy with these inconsiderate jerks the way they
    toy with me? Since they have an incentive to trudge through the call to the
    end, they stay on the line MUCH longer and take MUCH more abuse than you'd
    normally expect. I've turned telemarketing calls into prank calls where the
    "mark" calls me!

    Here are a few strategies I've come up with. Some I've tried already, and
    others I am itching to try in the near future.

    Deaf Guy:
    Make the operator repeat everything twice by shouting into the phone
    "EXCUSE ME? I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU!" every 15 seconds or so. Being sure to
    interrupt since it adds to the realism. The operator will gradually raise
    her voice until she is screaming too. Once she reaches maximum volume, say
    in a calm, cool voice, "There is no reason to shout at me."

    Silent Guy:
    This is almost the opposite of Deaf Guy. Try to speak as little as
    possible...and when you do, whisper with only a "yes" or "no" answer. The
    object is to allow the operator to go as long as possible without you
    saying a word. Eventually, there will be a moment where the operator will
    think you may have hung up the phone. "Hello, are you there?" Don't answer
    immediately. "Hello?...Heeeellllooo?" The longer you can drag out the
    uncomfortable silence, the better. Just before they are about to
    disconnect, whisper, "yes, I'm here", and start again.

    Please Hold:
    In this one, the object is simply to put the operator on hold...and leave
    them there. The call goes something like this: "Hello, I'm Jane Doe from
    the Acme Widget Company and..." cut her off immediately and say, "Oh,
    yes...I've been looking to buy an Acme Widget, can you hold for a second, I
    have a call on the other line?" The key is to REALLY sell yourself. Then
    just put the operator on hold and walk away. If you have a speaker phone,
    put the call on speaker and hit the mute button. See how long the operator
    waits before she hangs up.

    Hey Baby:
    After the operator gets done with her intro, say something like, "Wow, you
    have a really sexy voice.". Then at the next pause you say something like,
    "I'll bet you are gorgeous...are you married?" As the call moves on, show
    as little interest in the sales pitch as possible, but keep pouring on the
    complements. Eventually, ask her out for a date, and DO NOT take "no" for
    an answer...even if you have to promise to fly across the country to meet
    her. This works best if the operator is of the opposite sex, but it can
    also work for the same sex if you are feeling adventurous.

    It's a Pleasure:
    Take "Hey Baby" in a slightly different direction. Ask the operator what
    she looks like. Ask her what she is wearing. Again, keep pushing the
    envelope with increasingly personal questions. As the call continues,
    gradually increase your heavy breathing. If she actually answers any of
    your questions, respond with a breathy, "Oh yeah, I like that".

    Mr. Potty Mouth:
    Do not answer a single question without using an obscenity. Instead of
    saying "yes", say enthusiastically, "You bet your @$$!" or instead of "no"
    shout, "Are you F___ing out of your mind?!?"

    Confusion:
    Refuse to acknowledge the actual product being sold. If the telemarketer is
    selling cell phones, ask questions as if they were selling mattresses. The
    trick is to start off with rather vague questions that could be construed
    as legitimate (although weird), and work your way to more specific
    questions. Here's an example for a telemarketer selling cell phones: "How
    comfortable are they?" "Will I be able to fit it in my bedroom if the room
    dimensions are 12 x 16" "If I buy this, will I sleep better?" "How thick is
    the padding?" "Do I get a free box-spring?" When the operator finally
    catches on and corrects your mistake, say, "Oh, you are selling cell
    phones? I'm sorry, I already have one." and hang up.

    Hannibal:
    Some telemarketing calls are consumer surveys. As soon as you realize it is
    a survey, say in your creepiest voice, "If I help you, Clarice, it will be
    'turns' for us. Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things. Not
    about this case, though. About yourself. Quid pro quo. Yes or no? Yes or
    no, Clarice? Poor little Catherine is waiting." This should be followed
    with a long maniacal laugh...keep laughing until she hangs up.
     
  2. Hank Hill

    Hank Hill

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    My favorite is to tell them "I'm really interested in your product, but I don't have time to talk to you about it right now. Give me your home phone number and I'll call you about 3 a.m. tomorrow so that we can talk about it all you want."
     

  3. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

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    Sometimes when those nud-niks call, I'll let 'em talk for about a minute, then put on my gayest voice and say, "What are you wearing?".

    My wife's favorite is when the carpet cleaners who "just happen to be in the neighborhood" call. She'll ask, "Can you get blood out of a carpet? ...a whole LOTTA blod? ...like a big pool of blood, right in the middle of the entryway?"
     
  4. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

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    I'd probably do some of those if I didn't believe the telemarketer was actually a real person trying to earn a living.
     
  5. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

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    I know what you mean, but, then, Repo Men and IRS Agents are, also.
     
  6. Edge

    Edge Millennium Member

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    Good ideas all, but Steve is right. Most of the callers are low paid people trying to make ends meet. I have a gizmo that does a good job in preventing most telemarketers (about $50 from Radio Shack). That device and an answering machine help tremendously. For the others, generally, I try to cut undesired calls that get through off as quickly and politely as possible. Rarely, for "special, persistent, badly timed callers"; I've stuck them on hold or just laid down the phone and let them ramble on until they realize no one is there.
     
  7. Floyd

    Floyd Millennium Member

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    I find it easier to say "no thanks" and hang up.
     
  8. AndABeer

    AndABeer Proud pappy

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    i like air horns myself
     
  9. Guest

    go buy the new issue of 2600... it tells how to use the tone from the phone co. to stop telemarketers dead...i pity the poor sob's in that line of work , the hateful abuse they have to put up with for a few lousy $$$...
     
  10. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    You know that really sucks dirt! These people are a royal
    pain in the caboose but they are just common folk tring
    to make a living. I suppose I would I would do that job
    if push came to shove.;T
     
  11. mobias

    mobias

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    I like to gargle into the phone whenever they call. Either that, or just start talking jibberish. I asked a lady that called one night if she could hang on the line for just a couple more minutes. I told her I was in the middle of a circumcision and I wanted to hear her sales pitch. Another time, I pretended to be nauseated. I proceeded to tell the guy that I had eaten some bad shrimp and really wasn't feeling well. He said he would call back later. He never did.
     
  12. mobias

    mobias

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    I don't feel bad about such childish antics, either. If someone makes my phone ring, that is an invasion of my privacy. As such, they deserve whatever they get. If I call a business and leave my number and they call me back, that's another matter entirely because I initiated it. Otherwise, I do not take kindly to unsolicited phone calls. I don't care what their situation is. Obviously they don't care what mine is. Many people work nights and have to sleep during the day.
     
  13. DWavs

    DWavs Moderator Moderator

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  14. JackOfVA

    JackOfVA

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    We have two phone lines, one for residence that is on an answering machine and my business line that I answer personally.

    When I get a solicitation call on the business line and they ask for someone by name and the name isn't either my wife's or mine, I tell the caller that "Mr. X is still in prison for the assault conviction and won't even be up for parole for another four years."

    It seems to work.


    Jack
     
  15. Hank Bodmer

    Hank Bodmer

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    My Momma told me, "Hank, those callers are someone's little boy or little girl and they are just trying to but bread on the table."
     
  16. Mathurian

    Mathurian Joyous Reaper

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    That's true but if they have the right to invade my privacy, I have the right to abuse them :)

    Here's my all time favorite:

    ask for their home phone number so you can call back at your convienience. If they say yes, I don't know what you would do cause it's never happened that I know of. If, on the other hand, they say no say this:
    "Oh, you don't like people you don't know calling you at home? Neither do I!"

    then either hang up or listen as they try to convince you it's not the same
     
  17. Guest

    Too many times I've asked to be placed on a do not call list only to have the telemarketer hang up on me. Anymore I just hang up on them.
     
  18. Lesh

    Lesh

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    Had a telemarketer call selling disneyland vacations, told her that it sounded like fun, but the judge told me to stay away from kids.

    Wife told a carpet cleaning call that 'we don't got not carpet in our mobile home', and a newspaper call that 'no one here knows how to read'
     
  19. Hank Hill

    Hank Hill

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    My son once worked in group ticket sales for a major league baseball team while he was in college. He said that he hated making "cold calls" to people. He also says that he is very sympathetic to people who have to do this, but he still hangs up on them. He makes a good point: There are other lines of work, they don't have to do this.
     
  20. mindonmatter

    mindonmatter Who.....me?

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    Sorry to dig up old threads, but I just have to say....these phonecalls are absolutely hilarious ;f If you need a laugh, definitely check them out.

    Thanks DWavs!