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For all you old farts- this is good stuff

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by Ramjet38, Mar 17, 2010.

  1. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 SONS OF LIBERTY

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  2. Dalton Wayne

    Dalton Wayne Epic mustache Millennium Member

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  3. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    ~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

    ~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

    ~When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age!"

    ~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ..movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

    ~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

    ~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

    ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

    ~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

    ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

    ~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

    ~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
    Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

    ~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married .. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

    ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

    ~When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

    ~You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???

    ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

    ~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

    ~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

    ~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

    ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

    ~Everybody whispers.

    ~Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

    ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

    ~But old is good in some things: old songs old movies And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!
     
  4. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

    1. Sag, you're It.

    2. Hide and go pee.

    3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

    4. Kick the bucket

    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

    6. Musical recliners.

    7. Simon says something incoherent.

    8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

    SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

    1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

    2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

    3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

    OLD IS WHEN:

    1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

    4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

    5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

    Thoughts for the weekend:

    Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

    If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

    Ponderisms

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway..

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    But Most Of All, Remember!

    A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
     
  5. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

    The 1st kind of sex is called : Smurf Sex.
    This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

    The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

    The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

    And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.



    PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own!
     
  6. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 SONS OF LIBERTY

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    You forgot Hall sex.

    That's when you pass each other in the hall and say "F-you".
     
  7. AZ DBLTRBL

    AZ DBLTRBL Out Of Order CLM

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    :rofl::rofl:
     
  8. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    That's Number 4 on the List.. :rofl:
     
  9. Marc1956

    Marc1956 CLM #66

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    Crap! I wet my pants laughing at this! Gotta go and change my Depends.....:supergrin:
     
  10. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 SONS OF LIBERTY

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    Shows that I'm getting Old Tymers already. :rofl:
     
  11. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    Apples
    Protects your heart
    prevents constipation
    Blocks diarrhea
    Improves lung capacity
    Cushions joints

    Apricots
    Combats cancer
    Controls blood pressure
    Saves your eyesight
    Shields against Alzheimer's
    Slows aging process

    Artichokes
    Aids digestion
    Lowers cholesterol
    Protects your heart
    Stabilizes blood sugar
    Guards against liver disease

    Avocados
    Battles diabetes
    Lowers cholesterol
    Helps stops strokes
    Controls blood pressure
    Smoothes skin

    Bananas
    Protects your heart
    Quiets a cough
    Strengthens bones
    Controls blood pressure
    Blocks diarrhea

    Beans
    Prevents constipation
    Helps hemorrhoids
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats cancer
    Stabilizes blood sugar

    Beets
    Controls blood pressure
    Combats cancer
    Strengthens bones
    Protects your heart
    Aids weight loss

    Blueberries
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Stabilizes blood sugar
    Boosts memory
    Prevents constipation

    Broccoli
    Strengthens bones
    Saves eyesight
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Controls blood pressure

    Cabbage
    Combats cancer
    Prevents constipation
    Promotes weight loss
    Protects your heart
    Helps hemorrhoids

    Cantaloupe
    Saves eyesight
    Controls blood pressure
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats cancer
    Supports immune system

    Carrots
    Saves eyesight
    Protects your heart
    Prevents constipation
    Combats cancer
    Promotes weight loss

    Cauliflower
    Protects against Prostate Cancer
    Combats Breast Cancer
    Strengthens bones
    Banishes bruises
    Guards against heart disease

    Cherries
    Protects your heart
    Combats Cancer
    Ends insomnia
    Slows aging process
    Shields against Alzheimer's

    Chestnuts
    Promotes weight loss
    Protects your heart
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats Cancer
    Controls blood pressure

    Chili peppers
    Aids digestion
    Soothes sore throat
    Clears sinuses
    Combats Cancer
    Boosts immune system

    Figs
    Promotes weight loss
    Helps stops strokes
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats Cancer
    Controls blood pressure

    Fish
    Protects your heart
    Boosts memory
    Protects your heart
    Combats Cancer
    Supports immune system

    Flax
    Aids digestion
    Battles diabetes
    Protects your heart
    Improves mental health
    Boosts immune system

    Garlic
    Lowers cholesterol
    Controls blood pressure
    Combats cancer
    kills bacteria
    Fights fungus

    Grapefruit
    Protects against heart attacks
    Promotes Weight loss
    Helps stops strokes
    Combats Prostate Cancer
    Lowers cholesterol

    Grapes
    saves eyesight
    Conquers kidney stones
    Combats cancer
    Enhances blood flow
    Protects your heart

    Green tea
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Helps stops strokes
    Promotes Weight loss
    Kills bacteria

    Honey
    Heals wounds
    Aids digestion
    Guards against ulcers
    Increases energy
    Fights allergies

    Lemons
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Controls blood pressure
    Smoothes skin
    Stops scurvy

    Limes
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Controls blood pressure
    Smoothes skin
    Stops scurvy

    Mangoes
    Combats cancer
    Boosts memory
    Regulates thyroid
    aids digestion
    Shields against Alzheimer's

    Mushrooms
    Controls blood pressure
    Lowers cholesterol
    Kills bacteria
    Combats cancer
    Strengthens bones

    Oats
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats cancer
    Battles diabetes
    prevents constipation
    Smoothes skin

    Olive oil
    Protects your heart
    Promotes Weight loss
    Combats cancer
    Battles diabetes
    Smoothes skin

    Onions
    Reduce risk of heart attack
    Combats cancer
    Kills bacteria
    Lowers cholesterol
    Fights fungus

    Oranges
    Supports immune systems
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    Straightens respiration



    Peaches
    prevents constipation
    Combats cancer
    Helps stops strokes
    aids digestion
    Helps hemorrhoids

    Peanuts
    Protects against heart disease
    Promotes Weight loss
    Combats Prostate Cancer
    Lowers cholesterol
    Aggravates
    Diverticulitis

    Pineapple
    Strengthens bones
    Relieves colds
    Aids digestion
    Dissolves warts
    Blocks diarrhea

    Prunes
    Slows aging process
    prevents constipation
    boosts memory
    Lowers cholesterol
    Protects against heart disease

    Rice
    Protects your heart
    Battles diabetes
    Conquers kidney stones
    Combats cancer
    Helps stops strokes

    Strawberries
    Combats cancer
    Protects your heart
    boosts memory
    Calms stress



    Sweet potatoes
    Saves your eyesight
    Lifts mood
    Combats cancer
    Strengthens bones



    Tomatoes
    Protects prostate
    Combats cancer
    Lowers cholesterol
    Protects your heart



    Walnuts
    Lowers cholesterol
    Combats cancer
    boosts memory
    Lifts mood
    Protects against heart disease

    Water
    Promotes Weight loss
    Combats cancer
    Conquers kidney stones
    Smoothes skin



    Watermelon
    Protects prostate
    Promotes Weight loss
    Lowers cholesterol
    Helps stops strokes
    Controls blood pressure

    Wheat germ
    Combats Colon Cancer
    prevents constipation
    Lowers cholesterol
    Helps stops strokes
    improves digestion

    Wheat bran
    Combats Colon Cancer
    prevents constipation
    Lowers cholesterol
    Helps stops strokes
    improves digestion

    Yogurt
    Guards against ulcers
    Strengthens bones
    Lowers cholesterol
    Supports immune systems
    Aids digestion




    Looks like my LUNCH!! :rofl:
     
  12. Marc1956

    Marc1956 CLM #66

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    And, if you eat all of that at one time, you will be safe because you won't be able to leave the house! You'll be in the bathroom all day! Healthy, though. Good info!
     
  13. Mtn Jack

    Mtn Jack

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    Ah i forgot what i was going to say.:rofl:
     
  14. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    Very funny, guys!


    :)
     
  15. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 SONS OF LIBERTY

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    Then you must be an old fart. :supergrin:
     
  16. proguncali

    proguncali 1911-2004 CLM

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    I swear I laughed so hard when I read this:
    1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    I think I peed a little.
     
  17. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 SONS OF LIBERTY

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    This may be a lot of fun and I like a good laugh as well as anyone, but us Old-Farts have a lot teach the youngins'.

    Remember that my brothers...for we are the teachers...not the students. :cheers: