Few more...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by who me?, Jan 23, 2004.

  1. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois

    1. NAMES
    If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

    If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

    When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come pocket calculators.

    3. MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.... but it's on sale.

    A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

    Average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    6. FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    7. SUCCESS
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, and she does.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    10. NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

    A couple drive down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."

    Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

    Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.

    One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So....... you know where the juice went.

    The nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks At it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

    At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

    The nurse fainted....... Old Harold just smiled.

    A guy walks up to a farmers house carrying a baby food jar and asks him…“Mr farmer would you mind if I went behind your barn and got me some of that Milkweed?”

    The farmer days “sure son go right ahead.”

    After a time the guy returns with the baby food jar full of milk and says... “thanks Mr. farmer God bless you.”

    The next day the guy returns with another baby food jar and asks him…“Mr farmer would you mind if I went to the far side of your pasture and got me some of that honeysuckle?”

    The farmer says “sure son go right ahead.”

    After a time the guy returns with the baby food jar full of honey and says... “thanks Mr. farmer God bless you.”

    The next day the guy returns. Yep you guessed it, he’s got that little jar. He asks him…“Mr. farmer would you mind if I went down by your creek and got me some of that pu$$eywillow?”

    The farmer says “hold on a minute son...Let me get my coat and hat, I'm going with ya!!!”

    "OLD" IS WHEN....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

    "OLD" IS WHEN....Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN....A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

    "OLD" IS WHEN....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    "OLD" IS WHEN....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    "OLD" IS WHEN....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    "OLD" IS WHEN...."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

    "OLD" IS WHEN...."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

    “OLD" IS WHEN....You change your undrewear after every sneeze.
  2. Originalsin


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    Dec 1, 2000
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light.