Few more...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by who me?, Jan 20, 2004.

  1. who me?

    who me?

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    Nov 20, 2003
    Central Illinois

    A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

    Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

    How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

    Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

    No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car

    There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

    There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

    No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

    Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job

    If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

    Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

    You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

    The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme
    Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou
    Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in
    a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.


    Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
    Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
    Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
    Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
    Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
    A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
    Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
    Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
    Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
    Meanness don't happen overnight.
    To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
    Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
    Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
    Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
    Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
    Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
    Don't corner something meaner than you.
    You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar--assuming you want to catch flies.
    Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
    It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
    Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
    You can't unsay a cruel thing.
    Every path has some puddles.
    Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
    The best sermons are lived, not preached.
    Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

    A man was in an antique store where he found a brass rat. The shop keeper told him that if he bought it, he could not return it! I've had it brought back 3 times! So' if you buy it, it can't be brought back, SALES FINAL!! So the man bought it. As he was leaving, rats started to come up from the drains and trash cans! He got in his car and drove away, looking in the mirror, he saw the rats following him, so he speeded up, still they followed. As he was getting near the bridge over a river, he opened the window and threw it out sending it into the river! As he kept going, he noticed that the rats jumped into the river behind the brass rat killing those who followed! Later, The man returned to the shop where the store keeper remembered him, I TOLD YOU, NO RETURNS!!! The man just calmly asked, I'm not returning! I've got to know if you GOT ANY BRASS LAWYERS???

    A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule AirBase, Greenland at midnight.

    During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's one-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below and my job here is to pump s**t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

    A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

    So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart.

    She looked up and said: "Awe So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."