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Fave "witty" sayings?

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by MikeLadner, Aug 12, 2006.

  1. MikeLadner

    MikeLadner DILLIGAFF?

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    Here are a few of mine:

    "That/you/it stands out like a turd in a punch bowl!"

    "That's *******ed up like a soup sandwhich."

    "When I have sex the woman has to be on top, because all I can do is screw up."
     
  2. 5madman2

    5madman2

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    "Just because your *** exerts a graviational pull, does not mean the Universe revolves around you."
     

  3. Navy HMC

    Navy HMC

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    Rule 1: If you ain't having fun, you're doing it wrong

    Rule 2: If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'...If you get caught you didn't try hard enough. (okay, I took this one from the Navy Seals, but I still like it!
     
  4. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Sláinte !

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    Life sucks, get a helmet.

    I'm confident with a little therapy, you will get over it.

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    If all you have is a hammer, treat everything like it's a nail.

    It is easier to ask for forgivness, than to ask for permission.

    Falling down isn't failure. Not getting back up is.
     
  5. Remander

    Remander

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    Here is a joke about a fellow who got a college degree in witty sayings.

    The Great Clown Joke

    Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He
    was very excited, as he lived in a little town in
    North Louisiana and had never seen a circus before;
    the kind of town where the mayor runs the local gas
    station. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young
    man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to
    get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours
    before the first trapeze act.

    Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring
    performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer
    tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia
    and green hair. They rode around by the dozen in a
    purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of
    the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair,
    acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

    "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please
    stand up?"

    The young man looked at his ticket, and to his
    surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young
    man stood up.

    Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ***, now
    where's the rest of the horse?"

    The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made
    his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent.
    Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the
    loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame
    his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going
    to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the
    honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed
    the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for
    Lousiana State University (LSU) correspondence courses
    and started to read.

    Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advertisement
    for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use
    those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!"

    So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the
    course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the
    materials, and sent his final exam back to LSU for
    grading.

    Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from
    the chancellor of LSU. It read:

    Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your
    performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most
    gratified if you could come to LSU to complete your
    degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a
    check to cover your expenses.

    To make a long story short, the man made straight A's
    in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous
    distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation
    speaker, John Ashcroft, awarded the man the
    Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort,
    signed by W himself!

    Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a Learjet
    to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate
    admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you
    complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in
    QWR, you will never have to worry about money again,"
    said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to
    Cambridge.

    In 2 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By
    this time, the man was known throughout the world as
    the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even
    reached North Louisiana, which made his mother very
    proud.

    Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits
    consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

    One day, while sitting at his desk reading his
    hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus
    was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile
    crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to
    his assistant, "We must be away to North Louisiana.
    Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the Mississippi
    River, the man savored the moment of victory that was
    to be his.

    The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making
    sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

    Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring
    performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer
    tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia
    and green hair. They rode around by the dozen in a
    purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of
    the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair,
    acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

    "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please
    stand up?"

    The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

    Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ***, now
    where's the rest of the horse?"

    The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He
    thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you
    can imagine:

    F!!!! you, clown!!!!
     
  6. 5madman2

    5madman2

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    One of my old man's favorites:

    "Just because you smell like apesh%t, doesn't mean you're Tarzan."
     
  7. kygungirl

    kygungirl

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    2nd place is always the 1st loser.
     
  8. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

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    Dang that's a long saying.
     
  9. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster G17 carrier since 1989 Millennium Member

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  10. major

    major Rejected member

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    What a waste of several minutes.........
     
  11. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster G17 carrier since 1989 Millennium Member

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    What do I know about Middle East politics? I thought that the Gaza Strip was a Turkish girly bar!

    What do I know about the world oil market? I thought that OPEC was some kind of Irish chicken!

    What do I know about classic literature? I thought that "Lord of the Flies" was about a department head at the Levi's factory.

    What's in my wallet? I have more singles than a gay bar!

    To be continued . . .
     
  12. Lew-G17

    Lew-G17

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    On leadership...

    The lead dog has the best view.

    and

    Lead or follow, but get out of the way.


    On making a living or any difficult task...

    Why do you think they call it work.


    On try, try again...

    It's called fishing, not catching.


    Response to "that's not fair"...

    There are no referees in life.
     
  13. rayetter

    rayetter

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    here are a few of my favorites

    wish in one hand, crap in the other and see which one fills up first

    that little white speck on top of bird crap? thats bird crap too

    happier than a two peckered billy goat

    john wayne toilet paper, tougher than tree bark and dont take crap off nobody

    dumber than a bag o hammers

    i can think of more later
     
  14. Navy HMC

    Navy HMC

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    Back in my ROTC days, I had a PT shirt that the Staff hated:

    How many were there?
    Which way were they headed?
    How fast were they moving?
    I must know this for I am their LEADER!
     
  15. rayetter

    rayetter

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    when they said brains, you thought they said trains and asked for one that whistled and smoked.

    You could screw up an anvil with a rubber mallet

    I think thats all that i know. enjoy
     
  16. JMag

    JMag

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    It is best to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

    :supergrin:
     
  17. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster G17 carrier since 1989 Millennium Member

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    Friends ask why I am not dating.

    My replies:

    "I'm about as romantic as a dead cactus."

    "I'm about as hip as a hip replacement."
     
  18. yashua-p

    yashua-p

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    The cows may come and the cows may go but the bull around here goes on forever.



    yashua
     
  19. 9jeeps

    9jeeps

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    On it like a chicken on a Junebug...

    Incapable of rational thought. Mostly for the super educated.

    Dumb as a poke full o nails.

    Hungry enough to eat the legs off a running deer.
    Hungry enough to eat a mangy dog.

    You're so bright I bet your mommy calls you sunshine!

    Some of these are older than dirt, BTW.

    Harder than Kelseys nuts.

    You and a post have a lot in common, eh?

    Colder than a well diggers patutti.

    Smells like the ode de Out house. or Toilette.

    So When DID you fall off the turnip truck?

    Is that your face or did your pants fall down!

    Your breath and my socks. That's a match. (There was a bunch of these.)

    Faster than weight watchers at a salad bar.

    My favorite for years.... Don't judge me by your own intelligence. I might be smart.

    New Favorite... That was back when I used to wave with only one finger.
     
  20. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

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    Well gee, this is turning into a pun-ny description thread. My fav Foghorn Leghorn:

    "That boy is about as sharp as a bagful of wet mice."