Fathers with Daughters take note

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by G30Jack, Jun 4, 2002.

  1. G30Jack

    G30Jack .88 Magnum

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    Apr 17, 2002
    Shoots through schools
    Submitted by William Conway
    When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father,
    who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's
    chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly
    murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like
    it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to
    be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick
    up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My
    motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
    "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that
    because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I
    have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I
    have on display in my living room.

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
    a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
    her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
    keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
    age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
    their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
    friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
    this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
    underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
    However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
    during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
    staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
    utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
    When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
    sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
    only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
    have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
    on this subject is "early."
    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
    to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
    daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
    continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
    her cry, I will make YOU cry.
    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
    appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
    to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
    putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the
    Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
    something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
    daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
    wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
    eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
    holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm
    enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
    anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
    her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
    avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

    My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
    attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.
    I'd be embarrassed too- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!
    And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have
    these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked
    into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought
    writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink
    washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
    One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be
    suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to
    knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he
    needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was
    being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she
    Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple
  2. 1loneranger


    Likes Received:
    Sep 14, 2001
    Huntsville, AL NOW Hartselle, AL
    That was great, thanks! The same rules apply for a single mom allowing her daughter to date. Of course mine is 15 and I still don't allow it! I am such a mean mom!

  3. walzy

    walzy Guest

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    May 2, 2002
    No flame intended but if youre daughter has a adam's apple she is not a doughter but a son.;Q
  4. aspartz


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    Oct 19, 2000
    Sandstone, MN 55072
    You apparently have not been to Pine County MN.

  5. 0100010

    0100010 Millennium Member

    Likes Received:
    Sep 15, 1999
    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
  6. igrp

    igrp ut supra

    Likes Received:
    May 6, 2002
    The Sunshine State
    ;f ;f ;f
    Really LMAO when I read these for the first time on VG's (btw, excellent and hillarious) website. Reading this stuff again still made me laugh so hard that my neighbors were about to call 911. ;)
  7. ubimow


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    May 13, 2002
    ROFLMAO!!!! I especially like the barrier method! Probably more effective than a condom!;f