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Dust off that GROAN METER-- pun time..

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Skyhook, Apr 4, 2010.

  1. Skyhook

    Skyhook

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    (Don't throw things at me, ok?)

    1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
    >>> war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
    >>> Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
    >>> he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
    >>>
    >>> Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
    >>>
    >>> "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
    >>> know who I am? I am the king!"
    >>>
    >>> Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
    >>> who you are."
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
    >>> bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed
    >>> in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
    >>> think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
    >>> You'll just have to be a little patient."
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
    >>> dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
    >>> seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
    >>> out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
    >>> the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
    >>> Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls
    >>> across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts
    >>> wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the
    >>> cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new
    >>> compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico
    >>> rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the
    >>> expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
    >>> toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
    >>> saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
    >>> man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
    >>> strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite
    >>> off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
    >>> month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
    >>> The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
    >>> lingers on."
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
    >>> name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
    >>> to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
    >>> have taken Leif off my census."
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
    >>> slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
    >>> three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one
    >>> who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to
    >>> prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
    >>> the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with
    >>> this one).
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> 10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
    >>> remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the
    >>> leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
    >>> constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo
    >>> looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
    >>> these, you don't need enemas."
     
  2. eyesnorth

    eyesnorth

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    It concerns me that #9 didn't slow me down. I have been in school way too long.
     

  3. DriBak

    DriBak GUNS UP Millennium Member

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  4. Scott3670

    Scott3670

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    Nice. Needed a good chuckle.