Drinking problem

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, May 21, 2004.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Likes Received:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    Drinking Problem Signs

    Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

    1 You lose arguments with inanimate
    2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
    from falling off the earth
    3 Job interfering with your drinking.
    4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
    your alcohol stream.
    5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
    from Massachusettes.
    6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
    by the toilet seat.
    7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
    elusive 5th food group.
    8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
    coincidence?? - I think not!
    9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
    THAT'S a drinking problem!
    10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
    enter the bar.
    11 When you can focus better with one eye
    12 The parking lot seems to have moved
    while you were in the bar
    13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
    14 You wake up to find Windows 95
    installed on your machine.
    15 If you keep asking your wife "where
    are the kids?", but you don't really have
    a wife and you're talking to the
    16 You fall off the floor.
    17 You discover in the morning liquid
    cleaning supplies have disappeared.
    18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
    19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
    replaced it with "Red Dog."
    20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
    as a burger, screw dinner!
    21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
    22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
    23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
    24 When you go to donate blood and they
    ask what proof?
    25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
    26 The only drinking problem is not
    having a drink right now.
    27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
    is... uh..."
    28 Your idea of cutting back is less
    29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
    30 Having a hard time staying on the side
    walk - left, right, stumble, fall
    31 You wake up in the bedroom, your
    underwear is in the bathroom.
    32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
    33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are
    Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
    34 Every night you're beginning to find
    your roomate's cat more attractive.
    35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence
    of incohol.
    36 Waking up with a traffic cone between
    your legs.
    37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're
    just sober...
    38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall
    down....No Problem
    39 If on a diet, you cut back your food
    calories to allow for alcohol calories.
    40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
    41 The bottle's empty...that's the
    42 Find yourself as the captain for the
    Exxon Valdez.
    43 You wake up naked lying in the corner
    of a bus depot.
    44 Roseanne looks good.
    45 Don't recognize wife unless seen
    through bottom of bottle.
    46 You drink to get over a hangover.
    47 That damned pink elephant followed me
    home again.
    48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain
    bus driver's liscense.
    49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
    50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
    their heads when they walk past you.
    51 You have a reserved parking space at
    the A&P.
    52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
    53 You consider yourself a workaholic,
    becuase every time you go to work, you
    want to have a beer!
    54 I slept with that damned pink elephant
    55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground
    in circles after biting you.
    56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
    57 You find yourself in a room on a train
    arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing
    you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
    58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
    59 You wake up in Korea in August and the
    last thing you remember is the Fourth of
    July party in Waikiki.
    60 Red dog upside down looks like batman
    eating a catwoman.
    61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't
    want to) get up.
    62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
    63 When hangovers become an attractive
    alternative lifestyle.
    64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
    65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join
    66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent
    67 Do you take this woman..
    68 You wake up too groggy to come up with
    anything funny for this damn list.
    69 You realize you have shaved your head
    except for a little rat tail hanging
    from the top and you're pestering people
    to buy incense & crap.
    70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,
    and Jose.
    71 Double vision so much the norm, you
    can't function w/o it.
    72 You listen to the radio and start
    dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
    73 Because you're not as think you are
    drunk I am...
    74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -
    yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
    75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
    76 Why does everybody think I have a
    prinking droblem?!
    77 You can't remember what your family
    looks like... or if you have a family.
    78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented
    cases of SPAM.
    79 You like SPAM.
    80 You get defensive when someone asks if
    you have drinking problem.
    81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter
    got elected.
    82 I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb..
    prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
    83 You spend a whole night holding up
    walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
    84 The opposite wall is covered with
    ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
    85 When you feel drunk is feeling
    sophisticated when you can't say it.
    86 When you feel that beauty lies in the
    hands of the beer holder.
    87 When you read about the evils of
    drinking, and give up reading.
    88 When you feel reality is an illusion
    that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.