Don't tase me bro!

Discussion in 'Okie Memorial Area' started by okie, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Likes Received:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    Don't know if this is true or not, none the less it is funny as hell:rofl::rofl:

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
    his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest.
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
    the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
    going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
    I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
    batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ..

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
    the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
    a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
    avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
    note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second
    burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
    face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
    weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
    sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
    head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
    testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
    and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
  2. MO Fugga

    MO Fugga Malt Liqra® Lifetime Member

    Likes Received:
    Dec 30, 2009
    Hellbilly Hill
    I was thinking of swapping out the bayonet on my Mossberg for a cattle prod...:rofl:

  3. Blast

    Blast 'nuff said

    Likes Received:
    Aug 2, 2002
    NKY/Cincinnati area
    Hey okie, get a taser, setup a vid, start a Youtube account and give us a demonstration.:rofl:
  4. JuneyBooney


    Likes Received:
    Feb 25, 2009
    Northern Virginia
    I was laughing so hard I about crapped my pants while coughing while reading that.:rofl::rofl::rofl:
  5. Graves

    Graves Diesel Junky

    Likes Received:
    Aug 26, 2008
    Thornton, CO
    Bwahahahahahahahahaaaa!!! :rofl::rofl:
  6. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Likes Received:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    I think not:rofl::rofl:
  7. Lone Wolf8634

    Lone Wolf8634 :):

    Likes Received:
    Dec 23, 2007
    Under the bus
    I've seen that before. I dont know if its true, but DAMN thats FUNNY!!!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl: