Dear Dogs, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not make it your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. But if it were, tripping me wouldn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am sorry about this. Nonetheless, I decline to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. You know, and I know you know, that dogs can comfortably curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and hanging tongues out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. There is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or stuff your paw under in an attempt to pull the door open. For the last time, I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; your attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To demonstrate my respect and regard for YOUR comfort and convenience, I have posted the following message on our front door: --- Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Here --- 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I quite possibly like my pet a lot better than I like you. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't require the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a college education. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the consequences.