Diary of a snow shoveler

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by MooseJaw, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. MooseJaw

    MooseJaw NRA Lifer CLM

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    Feb 12, 2002
    Diary of a snow shoveler:

    December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
    and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
    watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
    Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love

    December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
    covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
    be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
    idea I've
    ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy

    I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow
    came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in th e driveway, so
    I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
    disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
    a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
    have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
    again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad
    he's our neighbor.

    December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
    to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
    away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
    This is the life!

    The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
    didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
    certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff

    December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
    Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
    freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
    I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
    driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
    hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
    anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
    to stay warm Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
    Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
    hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
    own living room.

    December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
    stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. ******* snowplow came by
    twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
    busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
    store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
    have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
    Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
    think he's lying.

    December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
    inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
    melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
    shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed and dressed
    again, I was too tired to shovel.
    Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
    winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

    December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
    wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
    Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
    think she's damn well lying.

    December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
    Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a *****
    who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I
    know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
    then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
    over where I've just been!
    Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
    our presents, but I was busy watching for the ******* snowplow.

    December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the *#$)(%) slop
    tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
    hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
    and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
    The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot.
    If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going
    to leave her.

    December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
    It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.

    December 28: Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. THE !!*(^(^ is
    driving me crazy!!!

    December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
    could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
    think I am?

    December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
    million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
    mother, 9"predicted.

    December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
    keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?