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Court Humor

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Slobberchops, Jul 24, 2004.

  1. Slobberchops

    Slobberchops WTF?!?!?

    Likes Received:
    Apr 14, 2003
    Things actually said in court:

    Judge: I know you, don't I?
    Defendant: Uh, yes.
    Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
    Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
    Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
    Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

    From a defendant representing himself...
    Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
    Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
    Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

    Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
    Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

    Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
    Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
    Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
    Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
    birth, too.

    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
    Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
    Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
    Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

    Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
    Witness: I didn't see no fight.
    Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
    Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
    swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
    one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
    hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
    and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
    bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

    Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
    Judge: And why is that?
    Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
    Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
    defendant's motion?
    Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

    Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
    anything to say in your defense?
    Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

    Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
    Judge: Of course.
    Defendant: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?
    Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
    Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?
    Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
    Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.
  2. StoneGiant


    Likes Received:
    May 31, 2003
    Derry, NH