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Colonoscopy: Dave Barry Style -- This is Funny

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by Zell, Jan 13, 2010.

  1. Zell

    Zell IrregularMember

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    Colonoscopy Journal Entry by Dave Barry:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
     
  2. Lowrangerider

    Lowrangerider

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    LOL! great read about a day all men dread.
     

  3. SEAX

    SEAX Wilson

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    *golf clap* well done
     
  4. Glock20 10mm

    Glock20 10mm Use Linux!

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    Seen this before but it's still funny as hell.
     
  5. Zell

    Zell IrregularMember

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    I had a colonoscopy a few months ago. I just cracked up reading this.
     
  6. blackjack

    blackjack

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    Have done it twice but have never seen the humor in it until Dave Barry gives it his signature style. Bravo, Mr. Barry!!
     
  7. community

    community Member

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    yep. that is whats happens. greata story.
     
  8. soundwave

    soundwave

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    All funny and all true. Good read :supergrin:
     
  9. SonOfMallNinja

    SonOfMallNinja

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    I'm no Dave Barry, but I had a similar experience.

    When my youngest daughter was thirteen, she needed a small wart on the palm of her hand removed. I made an appointment for her with our family MD, and another for myself. The doc blasted the wart with some nitrogen, then asked what I needed. I was about to send her out to the waiting room when she asked for the car keys, which means, "I want to listen to my music on the radio." I handed them over, and she left.

    "Doc", I said, "I'm at the age where I have to get up three or four times a night to go to the bathroom." He replied, "Well, you know what's coming, right?" Yeah, I knew.

    I was bent over the table with my pants around my ankles, the doctor was pulling on a rubber glove, and here comes my daughter... waltzing through the door without a care in the world. Everybody froze. I mean, time stood still. She finally backed out, slowly, never saying a word. My doctor and looked at each other, shocked, and after a moment he said, "Well. THAT'S going to put her in therapy for a couple of years at least".

    We both had to sit down because we were laughing so hard. When he finished with his examination, I walked out to the waiting room to see my daughter sitting ramrod straight in a chair, her eyes very wide. As we were walking to the car, I said, "Nikki, you have got to learn to knock on doors." "Uhh, OK", was all she could muster.

    It was a very quiet ride home.