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Church Signs

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Jun 26, 2003.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    Have you ever been driving down the road at 50 or 60 mph, passed a
    church and tried to read the sign out front? I sometimes slow down to
    read them and on occasion have turned around and gone back to catch the
    last part because I was going too fast to read it all. Well, here
    are a few you can read while driving your computer and you won't run off
    the
    road trying to see them.

    "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

    "Under same management for over 2000 years."

    "Soul food served here."

    "Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

    "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

    "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

    "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

    "Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"

    "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

    "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

    "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.

    "Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."

    "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

    "What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"

    "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

    "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."

    "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

    "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

    "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

    "Christians, keep the faith -- but not from others!"

    "Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

    "If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of
    the devil's orchard."

    "To belittle is to be little."

    "Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."

    "God answers kneemail."

    And one that I once saw in (or near) Knoxville, TN. "Which will you choose
    smoking or non-smoking!"
     
  2. commander

    commander

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    Thanks. I needed that.:cool:
     

  3. Guest

    Personally I like the bulletin bloopers :

    1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

    2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    7) Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

    9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

    10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

    13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

    14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

    18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

    19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

    23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    24) Pastor is sick, healing service will be postponed till next sunday.
     
  4. whiskerz

    whiskerz

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    Near where I grew up in N.C. was a sign nailed to a tree with an arrow that just said "Bathist Church" ;f
     
  5. Guest

    OK, this'll probably start a flame war, BUT, on behalf of all atheist's:

    "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

    Should read:

    "The best vitamin for a Christian is a Glock."

    If ya don't like it...fine. Everyone's entitled to the opinion...that's just mine.
     
  6. 257izmycal

    257izmycal

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    I saw one at a local church a few summers back that said:
    "So you think it's hotter than he**, not even close"
     
  7. JHS

    JHS Millennium Member

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    Hey Glock31man wants all Christians to carry Glocks,COOL!
     
  8. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

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    A local church with a (usually tasteless/tacky) reader board presently has "God is easier to talk to than most people." My gut response was: Well no SH**!