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Church Humor

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by ERASER, Aug 2, 2003.

  1. ERASER

    ERASER Nyuk,Nyuk,Nyuk!

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    .

    A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast

    as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she

    prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,

    please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she

    tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her

    dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As

    she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me

    be late....But please don't shove me either!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon

    dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and

    whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us

    go?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their

    fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a

    piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy

    says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece

    of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got

    you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

    he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she

    requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions

    for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I

    was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do

    if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she

    dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be

    quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary

    took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They

    couldn't get a baby sitter."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

    with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment

    to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment

    that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a

    beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

    including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent

    when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

    Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he

    were ill, and said , "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny

    responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a

    strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you

    think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus

    turned out. It's probably just your dad."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride

    dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day

    of her life." The child thought about this for a

    moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"






    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she

    dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be

    quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary

    took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They

    couldn't get a baby sitter."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

    with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment

    to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment

    that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a

    beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

    including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent

    when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

    Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he

    were ill, and said , "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny

    responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a

    strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you

    think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus

    turned out. It's probably just your dad."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride

    dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day

    of her life." The child thought about this for a

    moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"