1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting-clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping". Now I just "chunky dunk". 3. The early bird still has to eat worms. 4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them. 5. Don't argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able to tell the difference. 6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete", and start all over? 7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 8. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 9. Just remember..if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 13. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?