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chili taster

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Bilbo Baggins, Aug 5, 2003.

  1. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins

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    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be
    selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
    sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured
    by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
    and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    __________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Light Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
    what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
    who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
    more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
    beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
    peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
    get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
    my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
    from all the beer.
    ________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
    chick is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
    Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    _______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
    ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
    tomato.Mustadmit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
    behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
    her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
    from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
    if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
    ________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
    balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
    and garlic. Superb!

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** my pants when I farted and I'm worried
    it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ***
    with a snow cone!
    ___________________________________________________

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
    can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of
    distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
    I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
    the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
    with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
    lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
    Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Call an ambulance...
     
  2. DWavs

    DWavs Moderator Moderator

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  3. Minuteman

    Minuteman Jeff Gannon???

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