Buying Crack, Politely Declining A Hooker's Service, Homeless People In My Car, And H

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Jake-Gallows, Aug 23, 2004.

  1. Jake-Gallows


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    Jul 31, 2003
    East Coast
    Buying Crack, Politely Declining A Hooker's Service, Homeless People In My Car, And How Cheetos Can Save Your Life

    I had recently purchased a 1986 Nissan Stanza Wagon until I can afford something more decent. I've been driving around recently looking for job interviews. It's quite awkward when I'm sitting at a red light. The person sitting in the next lane seems to always look over at me and give me an ''I'm better than you because your car sucks'' look. Guys in beat up old '76 Pickups give me the look. Hell, even the guy walking to McDonald's for his shift laughs at me when I drive by. Apparently, my car isn't the best looking thing in the world Pfffh, you could have fooled me, I bought the car for its sleek style and originality. It seems my car attracts some very strange people.

    One of my destinations happened to be downtown, and to get downtown I had to drive through the ghetto. While sitting at a stop sign in ghettoville, a young black man knocks on my window. I should have driven off, but I was looking for a job. Maybe he would hire me for something.

    "Hey dawg, I'll hook you up. Whatcha want?"

    "Actually, I'm looking for Grimes Law Firm, I have a job interview and can't seem to find it. Can you tell me where it's at?"

    "What? Yo' azz had betta buy some of dis' stuff or I'll be a very unhappy man. You know what I'm sayin', dawg?"

    He then reaches into his jacket as if he has a gun, but then pulled out a little plastic bag with something that looks like crack cocaine. I've never tried illegal drugs, nor did I intend to on this day. I'm sure I just told him that I was LOOKING FOR A JOB. Why would you try to sell me drugs when I'm more than likely going to take a drug test if I'm hired? I wasn't in the mood to die today, so I ended up buying a ''nickel bag''. I think he jipped me; it didn't cost a nickel, that's for sure.

    After the transaction was complete, I got out of the ghetto part of downtown as soon as I could. I didn't drive too fast because now I have a little bag of narcotics in my passenger seat. On my way back from the job interview, I had to drive thru the ****ty neighborhood again. This time a large (trust me, LARGE) woman walks up to my car and initiates conversation with me.

    "Hey suga, where you headed to?"

    "I'm just headed home, ma'am." I said as I sipped my coffee.

    "Ooh, I see you got some coffee there, baby. I want a little marshmallow in my coffee if you know what I'm sayin'."

    "No thank you, I actually have a girlfriend." (I really don't, but as far as she's concerned, I do.)

    "What's a matter suga? You don't like yo' women like you like your coffee?"

    (Nope, I don't drink fatazz ugly coffee)

    "Ma'am, I need to get going, I have somewhere else to be right now."

    "Suga, I can get goin' on you if you know what I'm sayin'"

    (fake laugh) "Haha, it was nice meeting you."

    "Hold up, suga. Is that crack you gots in that seat?"

    "Um... yea, you want it? Here!"

    I toss her the bag of crack and try to head out of this neighborhood. Unfortunately I was only half way through and was going to meet one more crazy person. I was stopped at a redlight when I heard my backdoor slide open and shut. I quickly look into my backseat and a ****ing hobo is now riding along with me. I told him to get the hell out, but the car behind me was blowing his horn so I had no choice but to drive. I was giving a homeless person a free ride now.

    "Dude, you're gonna have to get the hell out of my car."

    "Hey, man. Chill. I just want some money or some food."

    "I don't have any money! I'm out looking for a job, and I suggest you do the same thing. Get the hell out of my car!"

    "Cheetos! Can I have some bro?"


    He finally gets the idea that it's not polite to jump in other peoples' cars when they're stopped at a red-light. So all in all, a pretty eventful day. I bought some crack, was propositioned by a hooker, and gave a homeless guy a drive. I didn't get the job either.

    Behold... the power of Cheetos.