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Buy your wife a week of excercise classes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Blitzer, Mar 18, 2009.

  1. Blitzer

    Blitzer Cool Cat

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    Jan 15, 2004
    The communist's play ground of OHIO
    <meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content=" 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --> </style> Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, my Husband purchased a week of personal
    training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
    cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
    encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
    well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for
    me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
    smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
    the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
    today. Very inspiring!

    Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
    already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going
    to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he
    put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
    It's a whole new life for me.

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
    the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia
    in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
    to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
    Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my scream bothered other
    club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning
    and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
    stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
    rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get
    in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

    ******* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
    thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
    half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
    and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine --
    which I sank.
    I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated
    any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
    anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
    could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

    Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
    if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
    anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
    teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
    choir director?

    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
    voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me
    want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength
    to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    Weather Channel.

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
    and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
    husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a

    I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled
    the floor with diamonds!!!