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Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Mathurian, Jan 8, 2004.

  1. Mathurian

    Mathurian Joyous Reaper

    Messages:
    122
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    0
    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2002
    Location:
    Michigan
    According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    All generalizations are false, including this one.
    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
    A penny saved is ridiculous.
    Bad cop, no donut.
    Back in the old day, we didn’t have plural.
    Beer: it isn't just for breakfast any more.
    Black holes are where God divided by zero.
    Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
    Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
    Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
    Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
    Don't drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.
    Don’t judge a book by its movie.
    Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
    Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
    Don't steal. The government hates competition.
    Do you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
    Eagles Don't Flock.
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
    Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
    Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
    Everyone says I’m in denial, but really I’m not.
    Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
    Faster than a speeding ticket.
    Follow you’re dreams, except that one where you’re at school in your underwear.
    Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    God must love stupid people- he made so many.
    Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.
    Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk.
    Heisenberg may have slept here.
    Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    How about never? Is never good for you?
    How do I set the laser printer to stun?
    I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    I’d live up to my potential if it didn’t cut into my sitting around time.
    If all else fails, stop using all else.
    If at first you don’t succeed, you must be installing windows.
    If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
    If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
    If it's too loud, you're too old.
    If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
    If life gives you lemons, shut up and eat your damn lemons.
    If something goes without saying - LET IT!
    If there are other civilizations in space, I hope we get to attack first.
    If there were no hypothetical questions, what would this say?
    If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
    If you can read this I'm not going fast enough.
    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
    If you have something to say, raise your hand…and place it over your mouth
    I hate people who take drugs, like the police or customs
    I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
    I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
    I'm driving this way just to piss you off.
    I’m going off to find myself, if you see me before I get back, please let me know where I’ll be
    I’m looking forward to regretting this.
    I'm not as dumb as you look.
    I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up
    my ***.
    I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
    I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
    It’s 99% of politicians that give them all a bad name.
    It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
    It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    It’s lonely at the top. What like it’s a big party at the bottom?
    I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I took something for it.
    I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
    I’ve had a great time but this wasn’t it.
    I’ve upped my standards, now up yours!
    Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.
    Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an *******.
    Jesus loves you, just not in that way.
    Jesus saves… by using double coupons and shopping wisely.
    Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one
    Keep honking; I'm reloading.
    Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    Lead me not into temptation. I know the way.
    Listen… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
    My mind is made up, please don’t confuse me with the facts.
    Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.
    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    On second thought, no again!
    On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    PETA…People Eating Tasty Animals.
    Police Station Toilet Stolen.... Cops have nothing to go on.
    Politicians always tell the truth when they call each other liars.
    Reality is nice but I wouldn’t want to live there.
    Rehab Is for Quitters.
    Saturday has a morning?
    Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    So many pedestrians, so little time.
    Someday we’ll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
    So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
    Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
    Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
    Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
    The buck doesn’t even slow down here.
    The key to any relationship is sincerity. Once you can fake that, the rest is easy.
    The only way bureaucrats cut through red tape is lengthwise.
    The trouble with political jokes is how often they get elected.
    This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
    This would be funny if it wasn’t happening to me.
    Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
    Watch out for the idiot behind me.
    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
    What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it’s all about?
    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    When in doubt- shut up!
    Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?
    Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
    You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    You can't be late until you show up.
    You can’t spell crap without rap.
    You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
    Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT.
    Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
    Youth is fleeting but immaturity can last a lifetime.
     
  2. thisaway

    thisaway

    Messages:
    1,580
    Likes Received:
    4
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2000
    Location:
    Soddy Daisy, Tenn.
    When I snap, you'll be the first to go.

    You're so dense, light bends around you!
     

  3. J Sand

    J Sand Lost cause

    Messages:
    96
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    0
    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2003
    Location:
    Playing Hide and Seek...
    "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT."

    I like, "Your daughter may be an honor student but my son got her pregnant."
     
  4. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster G17 carrier since 1989 Millennium Member

    Messages:
    20,441
    Likes Received:
    1,531
    Joined:
    Sep 24, 1999
    Location:
    Hartford, Vermont
    DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH
    -he's married-
     
  5. Aquanewt

    Aquanewt

    Messages:
    870
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    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2001
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD, USA
    My Son and My Money go to (Fill in your favorite) University