BEWARE who you hunt with. The dogs of darkness will get you.

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Cava3r4, Jun 9, 2004.

  1. Cava3r4


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    Jan 22, 2004
    AZ originaly from St. Paul, MN
    The following story is true. It is written in a sarcastic / humor style. It is however true. Hope you enjoy it.
    Prairie Dog Trip from HE11.
    4 guys are supposed to go….and 2 vehicles (I have a new expedition, other 3 have varying degrees of chit on wheels)
    4 guys are Bob, Green Beret or GB for short, moneyman or M for short, and noshow. (names are changed to protect the innocent and other coincidental persons)
    Of these four guys, Bob and GB have been on numerous trips together before, M has been on one previous trip and seemed to be okay, and noshow was an unknown. All trips are usually 4 men and two 4 wheel drive type vehicles (usually an SUV and a pickup truck)
    The saga of the great bwana dog hunt trip begins...
    Noshow craps out….so now its 3 guys and 2 vehicles. (fortunately the guy who crapped out has the worst piece of chit on wheels. If this vehicle made it to the corner milk store it would be a miracle on the order of the 8th magnitude). The rest of us left in this trip that might qualify for a reality TV piece of crap show are now Bob, GB, and M.
    Other guy (M) (with best pile of **** on wheels) calls and says he has his 5th wheel hooked up….and we should all go in that.
    I'm (I'm = Bob...I am writing this attempt at turning a trip from hell into humor) thinking….oh oh….this guy didn't clear this with me or the other guy…but on the other hand M wasn't too bad on the last (his first) dog trip with us last year.
    M calls me back and says "by the way, I'm bringing my dog so I don't have to pay kennel fees"
    I'm thinking "oh oh!!"
    We arrive at M's house at 6 AM. GB who I have gone dogging with for years…says "what the hell is this? I thought we were taking two vehicles. M does a sales job on GB about sleeping quarters and the comforts of his 5th wheel.
    We drive, 3 guys, one extended cab (SMALL back seat), and 5th wheel behind us for 12 hours from MN to WY. We spend $450 in fuel because this diesel is pulling a 40 ft 5th wheel that has all of M's fun toys in back (4 wheeler, harley, etc etc.). This 5th wheeler has about 20 feet of cargo bay in the back end. It must weigh when fully loaded about 100 tons. For 12 hours we listen to M telling us how all women are pieces of **** and how all jobs are ****, and nobody pays, and money money money.
    We get to WY and it is night time. We pull into a Pamida (kind of like a wall-mart store) parking lot and park.
    Now the **** hits the fan. He forgot the cot, the sofa is 3 feet long and does NOT pull out. So we don't sleep for ****. There is only one place to sleep and that is for M!
    At 5 AM GB has to take a crap. M informs him that he doesn't want us chitting in his 5th wheel and we are supposed to go out into the parking lot and leave one. I piss on his chrome wheel "hoping to get even"
    GB says..we are finding a hotel, I need a place to sleep and chit. (I agree). M acts offended, geez, you guys got deluxe accommodations says he.
    We get a motel room and M is pi$$ed at us now. M has to pay $29 a night to park his 5th wheel and we pay $59 a night for a room with 2 beds.
    Everyday, M drags his feet (remember, he has control over the wheels) every morning, walks his dog, he has diabetes and must walk for 2 hours every morning. Did I tell you he has diabetes and we need to give him special consideration.
    We have to load and unload everything everytime into the one rig we have. (A Ford, diesel dually F350 extended cab with short box….a pretty sound vehicle actually…it would even make it to the milk store without a miracle). Everything also gets a real fine coating of dust that is almost like volcanic ash on it because this vehicle has no top or tailgate. The tailgate got ripped out on M's last trip by himself when his 5th wheel decided to leave the pickup and crush the tailgate and the sides of the box. We spend half a day finding and buying a tail gate buddy net type device to keep our rifles from hitting the pavement.
    We get out into the dog town at about 11 AM and at noon M wants to eat lunch, at one oclock he wants to go to some tavern and shoot pool with his $1200 pool stick and chase bar flies. (M is single and there is a reason why!!)
    M see's another 5th wheel getting pulled into the "camping area" by a semi tractor and he talks to owner. He is now going to buy a semi tractor to pull his 5th wheel so he can get better fuel economy. It only costs 50 grand for a used one with 500,000 miles on it. And….oh…..did I tell you…..he is broke……money, money, money.
    Every day it is a fight to get into a dog town before noon, and to stay longer then 1 PM.
    Did I tell you M is Broke and he has 4 rifles and each one is custom made and costs 5000 each. He has a nightforce scope on each one and he can't hit chit past 100 yards.
    He is broke…..did I tell you he is broke? His ROLEX watch tells you it is time to go to the bar at 1PM so he can haul out his $1200 pool stick and chase down his future "piece of crap woman".
    Did I tell you he is broke?? Did I tell you he has diabetes? It's okay to drink shots though while we are shooting pool to impress the bar flies.
    One day, we stop at a VFW hall (we are all veterans) and they are happy to see us and even give us a free drink each and we sign into their "long distance guest book". We get some information about some prairie dog towns and who to call and where to shoot. Myself and GB leave a nice tip (after all, they were nice to us and gave us valuable information AND a FREE drink). M grumbles and leaves and *****es that there weren't any woman in there. He doesn't leave a dime! Oh did I tell you that M is broke??
    We finally track down some guy and get permission to shoot his 2 fields. One of them has been poisoned, and the other heavily hunted. We get out there at 11:30 AM and start shooting. The opening shots are at 400 to 500 yards. I have my .243 and 6.5 x .284 out so I can hit something. GB is happy as a hog in chit and is banging away at dogs on the horizon. GB (ex-green beret) can shoot prairie dogs at about 1000 yards plus. I have personally seen him shoot a 6 mm rifle puting a Five shot group into a 3/8 of an inch at 500 yards on my rifle range. Of course…he weighs each bullet and puts them in declining order, he does the same with his cases, etc etc. My best rifle is maybe 2 inches at 500 yards. I am not willing to do the 48 step brass preparation. I call it "masturbating the brass". Life is too short.
    10 minutes go by and M is crying that the dogs are to far out, it is to hot, everything is HS and it is time to shoot pool with his $1200pool stick and hunt bar flies.
    We stay and shoot this heavily hunted field until 6 PM. M is about ready to cry.
    We are driving back to the hotel/camp site and M is telling us how diversified he is. He has his $9000 4 wheeler and 28 thousand dollar harley so in case the dogging is bad he can do something else and still have fun. He has his $1200 pool cue so he can have fun.
    Oh…..did I tell you he is Broke?
    He needs to find a woman who will like to fish, hunt, go 4 wheeling, ride Harleys, shoot pool and she has to have a good job to pay for all this stuff as this relationship shouldn't cost him anything……and …..and she needs lots of vacation time to take in all these activities with him. After all….she should bring something into the relationship….not just take things out of it. Oh…….did I tell you he is Broke? Yeah…that must be why she needs a lot of money to pay for all of HIS stuff.
    BTW….did I tell you that all women are horse$hit blood sucking leaches?? (do you have 12 hours so I can tell you about how rotten **&^%$% ing rotten women are and their isn't enough MONEY).
    After he gets done telling us allof this stuff and how great of a Bwana he really is I then tell him that what he really needs to do is to find a woman to nurture. Find a good Christian woman and nurture her and she will nurture you in return. It really feels good to be loved. Well....M tell's me I don't know anything....All women are (*^% scum and all they want is your money.
    I then tell him that his diversity of vehicles and worldly possesions is holding us up...we can't tow this monster into the field with us. We would need an M1 Abrams to pull it out there. Well.......M tell's me I don't know need to be diverse in case the dog hunting is lousy like it is so that you can go do other things like ride your 4 wheeler, ride your harley, shoot pool with your $1200 stick in a nice air conditioned bar with all of these wonderful bar flies all around (none of whom want anything to do with M).
    The next day, after we load up all the stuff while he is walking his dog for 2 hours (did I tell you he has diabetes?) we go out into the poisoned town to try and see if the shooting will be any better. Well, we have to drive for about 2 hours over all kinds of difficult terrain to find this place. We get into the town at about 1 PM and the shooting is very difficult. The opening shots are in excess of 500 yards. M pulls out his $500 shooting platform (did I tell you about how wonderful his $500 dollar shooting platform only takes 3 men and a boy to carry the darned thing!) Within 15 minutes it is crying time. Oh, by the way...did I tell you that myself and GB eat to much and we drink to much beer?
    The next day we got another late start.....imagine that! We tracked down another land owner and got permission to shoot his land. We got to his field about 2 in the afternoon.
    Their had been heavy pressure on this land and their were two other groups of shooters already there. We got permission to squeeze in on one direction that they were not shooting. It was very slow and the dogs were a long ways off.
    Did I tell you that this was all GB's and my fault? was all our fault.
    The last day, we finally made contact with one of those from the VFW's information and we went out there to check out his land. He wanted $50 per shooter per day. We said we had to see the field first (been there done that!). We looked over the first field and the north half of it was poisoned as the rancher told us, the south half looked okay. It was already NOON so we went to look at his other field. It was DEAD. We went back and negotiated the price down to $25 per day per person. M wanted to get in his truck and go to town and load the four wheeler and come out and THEN go back and get our gear. The two of us ogres said no way it was already noon and we only had a half day to shoot and it was our last day. So we went out to shoot and the opening shots were at 400 yards but there were dogs there. I got off 300 rounds in 5 hours which is pretty good. Of course M was whining that they were to far out and went and sat in his truck and pouted after an hour or so. He spent his first hour cleaning his gun that he must have put 50 rounds through during the whole week. At 6 PM we then had the arguement as to whether we were leaving at 6 PM Mountain time or Central Standard Time. We got out of there about half way in-between.
    Then M says "I wonder if I got the 25 dollars". Oh did I tell you that M has no money and is a diabetic? Did I tell you how all Women are evil etc etc..?
    Sunday morning at 6 AM we left to go home for another 12 hours of glory listening to how evil woman are and how broke he is but he is gonna buy this new truck to haul his dollars around in. I learned one thing on this trip. I am driving myself next time and M isn't going to be with me.
    I hope you enjoyed my sarcastic humor about this trip. It is the worst trip I have been on in my entire life. the way....when we ride for 12 hours we pi$$ to much also!
  2. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

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    Aug 16, 2001
    Taunton, MA
    Hey, I drove from Massachusetts to Montana on my PD hunt.

    Did you almost roll over the Expedition on 90 (or is it 80?) In South Dakota? Did you almost get it stuck in 2' of mud on some backroad in the middle of nowhere? Did you get hit on constantly by this ugly redhead with 1/2 her teeth at the only restaurant in town? (Wait, I've got a date for M!)

    Next time, steal his keys while he's in the shower and go "to town" without him. Great story.

  3. Cava3r4


    Likes Received:
    Jan 22, 2004
    AZ originaly from St. Paul, MN
    Interstate 90 is in SD, 80 is in Nebraska.
    I did bury a 95 full size ford bronco in SD once during the rain. got mud on the roof even. in 4 Low went at 5 grand across a 1/4 mile mudhole and made it to 20 feet from the far side. Took and hour to get out, and then the rain really came down. If I would have been 5 minutes later, I'd still be there.
    Usually in SD it is women with black hair and 1 tooth.;p
    Do you have the dates phone number. I will glady sic her onto M
    Glad you enjoyed the story. :)
  4. VN350X10


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    Apr 13, 2001
    McHenry, IL
    Man, that makes my recent trip seem like heaven. We had 6 guys, 3 w/pd experience, 1 USMC (ret'd)"shooter", & 2 guys who own the local gun shop & are brothers in law. Rain every night, overcast every day, nearest dogs @ 200 yds & 2 of us are decent cooks. EVERYBODY had a great time & willing to go back on 5 min notice !
    Suggestion here.....put "M"'s pool cue in an appropriate spot, set him on his Harley & point him towards Sturgis. It's getting full of yuppie types anyhow & he'll fit right in......

    bettr luck next year.