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Best bad joke thread

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by carbon_15, Aug 1, 2002.

  1. carbon_15

    carbon_15 1*

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    -A marine biologist at the University of Charleston developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were constantly kept in the company of coal miners. One day his miner quite, so he had to go to West Virginia to find another. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested.....the charge? Transporting miners across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

    -A Zen Buddhist approached a hot-dog stand and asked the operator to make him one with everything.

    -A man walks into a bar..."dang who moved the bar, I could walk under it yesterday"
     
  2. Alex_Knight

    Alex_Knight

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    So does the lock come now?

    ;f
     

  3. Guest

    Seems someone is a Callahan's fan.
     
  4. YosemiteSam357

    YosemiteSam357 Revolver Zen

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    That's actually the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. And I get a lot of jokes sent to me.

    -- Sam
     
  5. srhoades

    srhoades

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    Who was the first investor in the Bible?

    Noah, he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
     
  6. doubletap1

    doubletap1

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    What do you call four matadors in quicksand?
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    QUATRO SINKO!!!!

    Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, and one more..

    What kind of cheese is not your cheese?
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    .NACHO CHEESE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
     
  7. YosemiteSam357

    YosemiteSam357 Revolver Zen

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    The vendor hands him the hotdog and the monk gives him a $5 bill for the $2 hotdog. The vendor puts the $5 in the drawer and continues about his business. The monk inquires, "Do I get my change?"

    The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

    -- Sam
     
  8. larry_minn

    larry_minn Silver Member Millennium Member

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    The way I heard it.


    A marine biologist at the University of Charleston developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed infant sea gulls. He had to go to another state to pick the baby Sea Gulls up. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested.....the charge? Transporting YOUNG Gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
     
  9. Pop Gunner

    Pop Gunner

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    I like the transporting miners better!
     
  10. G30Jack

    G30Jack .88 Magnum

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    Shoots through schools
    Or this one...

    Once a rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle, his guide warned him, "The jungle is a dangerous place. There are tigers, poisonous snakes and other obvious dangers. But the most deadly of them all is the mysterious foo bird."

    "What makes it so dangerous?" the man asked.

    "The foo bird is a very territorial animal," the guide explained. "If you walk under a tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve itself on you."

    "Well, that certainly doesn't sound like much fun," the man replied, "but it doesn't sound dangerous."

    "There is more than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it will cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you."

    As this made little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and didn't pay it much mind. A few hours later, they were walking through the jungle and a glob of foo bird feces hit him on top of the head. Before the guide could do or say anything, the man reached up and wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead instantly.

    The moral of the story is: If the foo ****s, wear it.
     
  11. G30Jack

    G30Jack .88 Magnum

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    Or this one....

    Every autumn, a giant comes down out of the mountains, to a hill near a village of trids. The trids, anticipating his coming, gather atop the hill, where the giant, laughing uproarously, cheerfully kicks the trids off the hill. They roll gleefully to the bottom, shouting and laughing, only to run back up for another ride. The whole occassion is something of a tradition.

    One day, a passing rabbi hears of this ritual and, curious, decideds to wait a few days and witness it himself.

    The day comes, and the trids frolicking wakes the rabbi. Irritably, he gets up, dresses, and heads out to the nearby hill. He watches the spectacle for a while, and then, unable to resist, he begins up the hill, dodging the occassional rolling trid.

    He reaches the top and heads over to mill around with a small group of trid who seem to be wating for their turn to be kicked off. The giat comes over, and is about to kick the whole bunch of them off, but then stops, peering down at them. The trids also seem to be a little confused, and end up staring at the Rabbi.

    "What are you doing?" asks the giant. The rabbi, seeing that he is the one the giant is talking too, cranes his neck and looks up.

    "Well, I've heard about this, and I've watched it, and I still don't understand it. I am really curious, and I want a good kick, just like the rest," he answers, looking at the trids.

    The trids just laugh and, together with the giant, say--

    "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for trids!"
     
  12. N4CDLAW

    N4CDLAW MI Refugee

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    I hate puns, so...


    Did you hear about the cargo ship transporting red paint that collided with the cargo ship transporting purple paint?


























    They were marooned.

    ;m ;e
     
  13. igrp

    igrp ut supra

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    Oh, one of my pet peeves. Maroon is not a freaking color, at least not for a man. It's either red or brown, not both. Women, we can happily survive with our 16 color vision (see PMom's very wise posting). ;f BTW, thanks again, PMom.
     
  14. N4CDLAW

    N4CDLAW MI Refugee

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    So, being as how this is the 'best BAD joke thread', I guess it worked on you, too?;f
     
  15. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

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    This belongs in the Hall of Shame

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the teller's nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants tomorrow. The frog says "$30,000". The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant saying. "I mean, what the heck is this?" ...


    (Are you ready???)



    (Are you sure???)



    So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
     
  16. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

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    A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
    beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door aying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

    The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,
    asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
    glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

    The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

    So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out a gun and starts
    blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to
    stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
    season."

    "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
     
  17. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.
    After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

    So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked him dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

    Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first--sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provided just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

    The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

    They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:

    "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head....."