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Beer

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Fraser, Feb 5, 2004.

  1. Fraser

    Fraser Millennium Member

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    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
    ~Frank Sinatra
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
    ~ Henny Youngman
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
    ~ Stephen Wright

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
    ~ Brian O'Rourke

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~ Benjamin Franklin

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
    ~ Dave Barry

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
    ~ "Unknown"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    ~ Jack Handy

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
     
  2. Signal Zero

    Signal Zero

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    Giving 'em the boot.
    "Mmmmmm...Beer!"
    ~Homer Simpson
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Sorry--that's all I got.;Y
     

  3. Roddy

    Roddy

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    Nice;f Anyone else got anything alcohol related? The closest thing I can think of is a t-shirt that said "Proud Memeber of the Canadian Drinking Team". I should of bought it.
     
  4. Guest

    BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
    ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
    training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
    face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
    textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
    limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
    them.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
    you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

    ----------------------------------
    A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks
    in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second
    guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like
    me to stay out late drinking."

    The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it
    right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the
    bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and
    lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will
    no tbe any complaints in the morning.

    The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the
    other guy for about two more hours before heading home to
    give it a try.

    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck
    upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and
    proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a
    swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into
    the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

    He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

    "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
    -----------------------------------
    Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic
    escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
    boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old
    lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed
    the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a
    genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
    he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted
    out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his
    hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
    turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping
    of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered
    their circumstances.

    One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been
    granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
    "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the
    boat!"
    =======================================
    Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

    10. No
    one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

    9. Beer doesn't
    tell you how to have sex.

    8. Beer has never caused a
    major war.

    7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't
    think for themselves.

    6. When you have a Beer, you don't
    knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

    5.
    Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured
    over his brand of Beer.

    4. You don't have to wait 2000+
    years for a second Beer.

    3. There are laws saying Beer
    labels can't lie to you.

    2. You can prove you have a
    Beer.

    1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
    groups to help you stop.
    ================================
    HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK

    I
    COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.

    HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM

    WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.

    HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY
    WRAP

    AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.

    I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP
    AND SCARED

    WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.

    HE PRESSED HIS
    FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE

    ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.

    HE
    DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF

    I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.


    THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE

    SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.


    AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY

    THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.

    =================

    I've got more, too, if anyone wants 'em :)
     
  5. Mako

    Mako

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    That was the best one of them all, had tears in my eyes ;f
     
  6. Roddy

    Roddy

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    Everything you got. These are priceless.
     
  7. Guest

    Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having
    a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the
    flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other
    two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in
    trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the
    label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead
    and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off
    their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The
    policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the
    road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no
    officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch,
    trying to quit."

    --------------------------
    5 Stages of Drunkenness (R)

    Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
    on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
    everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
    will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
    course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
    makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
    SMART.


    Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are
    the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
    fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
    fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
    you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
    subject under the sun.


    Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
    person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
    because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind
    the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
    course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
    bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
    You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
    now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.


    Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with
    anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
    betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At
    this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
    who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You
    have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
    are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are
    anyway!


    Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
    At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
    YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
    because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
    You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
    You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
    lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
    still SMART you know all the words.
    =======================================
    The "Beer Me" Diet

    Enjoy your next beer!

    It seems that a lot of people
    are dieting recently, trying everything from an
    all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another
    suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the
    "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every
    time I go to the club on Friday night!

    FACT: A lite beer
    has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the
    part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

    FACT:
    The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200
    calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the
    medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me"
    diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
    and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

    FACT: The alcohol in
    beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out
    almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen
    including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast
    walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case
    may be).

    FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you
    sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added
    rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced
    in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad
    diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How
    did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
    lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you
    have to sneak out and run home.

    FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet
    is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your
    required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some
    aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart
    attacks.

    FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
    you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food
    until you have consumed at least half of the day's required
    beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body
    a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends,
    quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach
    crunches.

    FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars,
    where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for
    example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing
    members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize
    your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
    using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even
    get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is
    newer to the diet plan than yourself.

    FACT: Beer is
    cheaper than Jenny Craig.

    Based on these facts, let's run
    through a given scenario for diet implementation.


    CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted
    during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.


    MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a
    slob.

    FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store
    and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin
    the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

    SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
    day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that
    you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it
    involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you
    have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

    SATURDAY
    (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still
    not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
    due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you."
    This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less
    than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel
    hungry.

    SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day.
    This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it
    can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some
    major professional sport being played every day of the year
    except the day before and the day after the Major League
    All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day
    should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to
    peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are
    feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.


    MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
    surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin
    preparation for the upcoming weekend.

    Happy dieting.
    ======================================
    Drinker's Alphabet


    A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college B is for
    Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for
    chugging C is for Class :What you're supposed to get up
    and go to after a Thursday night party D is for Dancing :A
    favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks
    pathetic E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is
    no one over 21 in your drinking party F is for ****ed-Up
    :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out G is
    for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging
    beers H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last
    night was and how much you drank I is for Idiot :The guy
    that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party J
    is for Jail :Where you'll end up after trying to use a
    fake ID or stagger home K is for Kissing :What you'll do
    to anything that moves after 15 beers L is for Lord
    :person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
    alcohol M is for Money :That which you no longer have due
    to too much partying N is for Not Again! :What you scream
    when you wake up beside someone you don't know P is for Pee
    :What you have to do every five minutes while you're
    drinking beer Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night
    in bed and have to clean in the morning R is for Reform
    :What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the
    toilet S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met
    last night while you were drunk T is for Ten :The number
    of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Underage :Most
    of the drinking population in college town V is for Vodka
    :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in
    an hour W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds
    you of Biology class tomorrow X is for X-Ray :How they can
    see into your stomach before they pump it Y is for Yourself
    :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end Z is for
    Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following
    drinking
    =================================
    An Old Beer's Tale (R)

    Hummm

    HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK

    I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.

    HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM

    WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.

    HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP

    AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.

    I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED

    WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.

    HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE

    ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.

    HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF

    I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.

    THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE

    SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.

    AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY

    THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.

    ===============================
    These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one
    orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs
    with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps
    out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in
    and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can't
    believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The
    other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind
    of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The
    stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks
    it right down goes over to the window and jumps out,
    splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar
    and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an *****".
    ===================
    his man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire.
    A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him
    to offer help. The man says he's doing OK and doesn't need
    help.

    The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure
    everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle
    on the passenger seat. When he enquires about the knife, the
    man says it's his and he uses it as a juggler at the local
    circus.

    The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure
    the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his
    routine.

    Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by.
    The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I
    stopped drinking when I did. It's amazing what they make
    them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks."
    ===============================
    A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200
    yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

    Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for
    drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

    Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow
    on that machine I will get out of air".

    Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give
    you a blood test."

    Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a
    needle in me I will bleed to death".

    Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along
    this white line".

    Man: "Can't do that either."

    Officer: "Why not?"

    Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"
    ==========================
    SOBER: The condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

    ===================
    Q: How did the drunk break his leg while taking a walk in
    the gutter?

    A: He fell of the roof.
    =======================
     
  8. axel

    axel Nov. 11, 1918

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    Read this story a long time ago about Winston Churchill, who liked to imbibe from time to time.


    Churchill was walking down the street dead drunk one night.

    Woman: Mr. Churchill, YOU'RE DRUNK!

    Churchill: Madam, you are ugly. You are very ugly. In the morning I shall be sober.