Beer Story

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Skyhook, Mar 16, 2004.

  1. Skyhook


    Likes Received:
    Nov 4, 2002
    (All factual and documented.)

    The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred
    some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans
    coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the
    pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal
    innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
    occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct

    Liberals and Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
    of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been
    invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.
    That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while
    they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to
    live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing
    women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
    beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually
    became women.

    Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
    group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and
    meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in
    democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then,
    and the conservatives fed them.

    Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal
    on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
    white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like
    their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal
    menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like
    deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city
    governments were Sodom and ****rrah.

    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
    therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
    in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide
    for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
    lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
    corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
    productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire
    other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers
    and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
    Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
    liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

    Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of
    law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their
    churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
    Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing
    world. They believe in the concept of truth.

    Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing
    production of conservatives and undermining principled references such
    as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue
    because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to
    others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to
    charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of
    mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
    money which they vote away from conservatives.

    Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They
    own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common
    criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign
    liberals and other foreign criminals.

    Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm
    conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with
    guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned
    the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and
    attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG
    government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

    Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
    convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been
    charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot
    liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.
    Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a
    bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When
    sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't
    explain their reasons.

    Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as
    the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting
    on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other
    common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce
    anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They
    consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the
    Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as
    they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

    The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
    A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
    the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands,
    and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might
    locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sum***** ain't
    been born yet".

    So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
  2. Guest

    Budwieser for me, thank you very much!