"We have a saying in the law. Innocent until proven broke. The color of justice is green." Johnny Cochran to Larry King on CNN's Larry King Live, December 25, 2003. Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners. Q:What does a lawyer use for birth control? A: His personality. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: There are some things a pig won't do. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. A lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way a prostitute is an expert on love. Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer. Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. Hows business? asked the first. Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper. A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Joe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life." Q: What does a lawyer have in common with a sperm cell? A: Each one has a one in ten million chance of becoming human. Q: Why do so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle? A: That bicycle might be yours! Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75? A: Your Honor A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. One of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so theyll have something to spend over there. They all agreed this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300. Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no heart to worry about. In fact, they only have two moving parts, their mouth and their rectum and they're interchangeable. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. Three mothers were proudly describing the virtues of their children. The first said, My son the surgeon has invented a new artificial heart that has saved the lives of hundreds of people. The second proudly proclaimed, My son the physicist has developed a new energy source capable of heating entire cities with absolutely no pollution. That's nothing, replied the third. My son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course! It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: Washington, D.C. has lawyers and New Jersey has toxic waste dumps. Why is this? A: New Jersey had first choice. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?" The devil visited a young lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you. Your clients will respect you. Youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that the souls of your wife, children, parents and grandparents rott in Hell for eternity. The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, Whats the catch?