I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters ... Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the washroom?" An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Us old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real memory challenge. Mind you, they'd have to lighten up on the boot camp obstacle course. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever have to do any pushups after a battle with the enemy. And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them out into the big bad world. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing the Ayatollah's boys would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes! -- Where do we sign up?