close

Privacy guaranteed - Your email is not shared with anyone.

AOL Pie -- with apologies to Don McLean

Discussion in 'Tech Talk' started by lethal tupperwa, Feb 13, 2005.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

    Messages:
    9,467
    Likes Received:
    1,619
    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2002
    Location:
    Virginia
    AOL Pie
    By: Seth D. Palmer
    Original: "American Pie" (Don McLean)

    A long, long, time ago
    I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
    And I knew if I had the chance
    They could make my modem dance
    with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
    But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
    with every busy they'd deliver.
    Bad news on the front page
    A 19-hour outrage.
    I can't remember if I cried
    When I realized that Steve Case had lied.
    But something touched me deep inside
    The day the service died.
    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.
    Did you write the book of TOS
    Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
    If an IM tells you so.
    And will you believe the Motley Fool
    When he tells you that the service rules
    And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
    Well I know you sold the service short
    Cause I saw your quarterly report.
    Steve Case sold off his stock
    It fell just like a rock.
    It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
    As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
    And half their users went away
    the day the service died.
    So bye bye...
    Well for two days we've been on our own
    And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
    But that's not how it used to be
    When the mogul came to Virginia court
    With an OS icon and a browser port
    And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
    And while Jim Clark was looking down
    The mogul stole his thorny crown
    The browser war was turned.
    Mozilla...was spurned.
    And while Steve left users out to bond
    With hosts unable to respond
    6 million newbies all were conned
    the day the service died.
    So bye bye...

    Da Chronic ducked their software guards
    And stole a million credit cards
    To use accounts he'd gotten free.
    And so Steve Case went to the FBI
    and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
    That hackers wanted child pornography *
    But while Steve Case was looking down
    The hackers pulled his e-mail down
    They put it on the net.
    He can't be trusted yet!
    And while user cynicism climbs
    At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
    They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
    the day the service died.
    So bye bye...

    Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
    The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
    Eight million in lawyer's fees.
    But it looks like some attorney jibe
    an hour if they resubscribe.
    To a service marketed for free
    Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
    Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
    "Until we bless the suit
    The settlement is moot."
    "If AOL treats you like the Borg
    Then visit aolsucks.org
    Before some router pulls the cord..."
    the day the service died.
    So bye bye...

    Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
    sold off his home in Tennessee
    And headed for a 4-month end.
    Was he sad or just incensed
    when Case offered him his thirty cents.
    Billing is the devil's only friend.
    But as I read him on the page
    My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
    No "Welcome" born in hell
    could ring that chatroom bell.
    And as chat freaks cried into the night
    CompuServe read their last rites.
    I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
    the day the service died.
    So bye bye...

    I met a girl in Lobby 9
    And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
    But she just frowned and looked away.
    And I went back to the Member Lounge
    To see what loyalty I could scrounge
    But Room Host said the members went away...
    And on the net the modems scream
    At faster speeds and data streams.
    And not a tear was spoken.
    The hourly fees were broken.
    And the three men that I hated most
    Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
    They couldn't dial up the host
    The day the service died.