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Anyone got any good jokes??

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by AA11285, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. AA11285

    AA11285

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    Heard this one the other day, apparently it's an oldie, but I found it hilarious:

    A very wealthy, well-dressed man walks into a party and immediately notices an incredibly attractive woman on the other side of the room. He walks up to her and asks, "Excuse me madam, but, would you have intercourse with me for $20 million dollars?" The woman pauses for a moment and replies, "Why, yes sir, I would." The man then asks, "Madam, would you have intercourse with me for $20 dollars?" The women, obviously insulted, responds "Why, sir! What do you think I am?!" The man says, "Well ma'am, we've already determined that, now we're just deciding on a price."

    :rofl:
     
  2. JuneyBooney

    JuneyBooney

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  3. buckhunter3987

    buckhunter3987

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    Thats pretty good. Tagged so if i think of one that dosent violate the TOS i can post it:whistling:
     
  4. failsafe

    failsafe

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    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
    would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
    in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
    on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
    digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
    they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort
    you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig
    a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
    looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl
    who plants the trees called in sick.
    :wavey:
     
  5. DScottHewitt

    DScottHewitt EMT-B

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    Two priests walked into a bar.




















































    You would think one of them would have saw it.
     
  6. HerrGlock

    HerrGlock Scouts Out CLM

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    How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?









    Three, two to hold the giraffe and one to put the clock in the bathtub.
     
  7. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    The good mayor is the KING of jokes.

    No, I meant the EMPEROR of jokes. And he's fully clothed too. :)
     
  8. exmdshooter

    exmdshooter WWJMBD?

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    I should hope so.

    No offense, but there's an image I won't be able to get out of my head for the rest of the day.

    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  9. Reignman

    Reignman

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    here's mine...

    there once was this great president, named Obama.
     
  10. Gary W Trott

    Gary W Trott Prickley Fan

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    Back during the 2008 election season I was walking into the State Fair and passed Barack Obama and his entourage as they were leaving. I noticed that the candidate was carrying a pig under his arm and said, "Where'd you get that?" and the pig said, "I won him in a raffle."
     
  11. Gary W Trott

    Gary W Trott Prickley Fan

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    This one is courtesy of the late Ed Zern.

    A drunk is sitting there in his seat on an airliner as the stewardess walks by saying, "Coffee? Tea? Drinks?" The drunk reaches out and pulls her into his lap and says, "You're all that I need honey pie." To which the stewardess replies, "You're wasting your time sir...I'm a lesbian." The drunk remains silent for a moment then says, "Issat right...so how are things in Beirut?"
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2010
  12. southernshooter

    southernshooter

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    Woman flies into her driveway, runs into the house, tells her husband "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery" He says "OMG, you finally did it after all these years, should I pack for the beach or the mountains or what?" She says "I don't care, just get the h--- out!"
     
  13. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

    Michael said "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

    The teacher responded with saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

    Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at a dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and shoe us your good manners?"

    "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

    The teacher fainted.
     
  14. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    Cowboy: "That your dog?"

    Indian: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

    Indian: "Dog no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Indian: (Look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

    Dog: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Indian: "Horse no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

    Horse: "Yep."

    Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

    Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Indian: "Sheep lie."
     
  15. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
    Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
    wife,"said one trooper..

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
    great news. Which do you want to hear first "?

    Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
    first."

    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
    found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
    good news?"

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- five
    pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

    Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news"?

    The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
     
  16. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... .. .

    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box ."
     
  17. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual physical.

    The doctor comes in and tells him, "You really have to stop masturbating".

    The man asks "Why, Doc? What's wrong?"

    The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
     
  18. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  19. crimsonaudio

    crimsonaudio 15 or 30?

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    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

    A gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A quart of orange juice

    A head of lettuce

    A loaf of bread

    A 1 lb. package of bacon

    As I was unloading my items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single. ''

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: '' Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that? ''

    The drunk replied, '' Cause you're ugly. ''
     
  20. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    :faint::rofl::rofl::rofl::faint: