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Animal Jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by WolfmanGK, Dec 8, 2002.

  1. WolfmanGK

    WolfmanGK Super Plump

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    Q: What's the worst part about giving a cat a bath?
    A: Cleaning all the hair off of your tongue.

    :

    Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
    A: A Doberman in a children's playground.

    (I don't get this one, maybe a kid hanging onto the dobe?)

    :

    Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
    A : Half a cat

    :

    Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
    A: Hit [name] in the face with a frying pan.

    :

    A rabbit was hopping thru the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest."

    The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

    The elephant looked at them, looked at his razor and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe.

    Soon they came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us though the forest!"
    The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started mauling the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant protested, "Lion, why are you doing this?!? He was trying to help you."

    The lion paused in his brutal cuffing. "THIS little ****? He makes me run around the forest like a f*cking idiot every time he's on Ecstasy."

    :

    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
    "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Well, this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

    Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

    :

    A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a nice dog you have there." The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. It's my dog Porky."

    The old man chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him that." She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't." He laughed and said, "You call him Porky because he's so fat." She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he ****s pigs."

    :

    On a hot summer day, a penguin is driving to the market when his car starts to belch black smoke. The pickup truck comes by, and brings it to the garage. The mechanic tells him it'll be a while before he can take a look at it, so the penguin heads off to a local park. Still, it's a hot day for a penguin, and he picks up one o those chocolate-coated ice cream bars.

    Penguin flipers are not the most dexterous appendages in the animal kingdom, and unfortunately, he makes a fair bit of a mess with the melting vanilla ice cream on his way back to the mechanics office. The mechanic looks up as the penguin arrives, having looked over the engine. "Well, sir. It looks like you've blown a seal."

    The penguin, aghast shakes his head. 'Oh, no! It's only ice cream!"

    :

    The plumber comes by the last house of the day. He's had a rough day, and his temper has been rising all day. Unfortunately, the lady of the house isn't home. As he knocks on the door, the parrot inside squaks "Who is it?" "It's the Plumber ma'am." He waits... silence, no-one comes to the door.

    He grumbles and pounds on the door again. "Who is it?" "The Plumber!" He shouts. Again, silence, no-one at the door.

    Fed up, he bangs on the door again."Who is it?" "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!! THE PLUMBER!! THE PLUMBER!" Unfortunately, the shouting isn't good for his heart. He clutches his chest and collapses dead on the doorstep. An hour later, the lady of the house returns, and sees this dead man on her doorstep. "Oh my heavens!" She cries, "Who is it?!"

    And the parrot replies, "The Plumber."


    EWWW:


    A rat walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick.
    The barman hands one over.
    A few moments later, another rat walks in.. also asking for a toothpick.
    The barman hands one over and tells him to make sure none of his friends come back in unless theyre going to buy a drink.
    A few moments after.. yet another rat walks in.. and this time asks for a straw.
    The barman gets confused and asks him why he wants a straw when all his friends asked for a toothpick.
    The rat replies : 'someone was sick outside and my friends got all the good bits'
     
  2. mally_b

    mally_b Lost

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    Okay wolfman I liked all your jokes except that last one "EWWW grose!" just about sumes that one up for me. But other wise I was laughing my butt of out of my chair. Thanks.;f
    M
     

  3. getnit1

    getnit1 Millennium Member

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    hey wolfman the doberman has 4 legs and a kids arm in his mouth...............